Marc Out of Ten Please

In the Lord Lucan Fittest Researcher of the Year it has been all quiet on the nominations front but one has come in for Marc from Chris Bryant's office. Apparently according to his nominator "he can be a contender". The Lord Lucan fittest researcher of the year competition allows all researchers to be contenders. However, whether they have a realistic chance of winning is another matter. Admittedly Marc does do better than the current nominees. However, I am certain that he can be beaten. Meanwhile it is very quiet in the women's competition which is very disappointing so come on everyone, email thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk and get those nominations in. Meanwhile here is Marc (aint he pretty)...
Incidently I am wearing a very simaler tie today to the one Marc is wearing in the picture. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Dave Hits New Low

The Government might lose a vote on Iraq. This was a Plaid Cmryu and SNP debate which is pretty shambolic that the Government have to go to all this effort for the sake of a few Taffs and Jocks. The Tories have shown a remarkable double standard having mainly voted in favour of the war have now done a U-turn and decided to vote against the issue. This is clearly making the most in an attempt to behead the PM on what is one the most important issues we face at moment. When our troops are out in Iraq facing death every day David "Dave" Cameron is attempting a cheap but substatially bloody shot on the PM. So much for an end to Punch and Judy politics. Should their be an inquiry into events on Iraq? Yes. Should it be brought about by some small and relatively insignificant parties? No. Are the Tories behaving in an appropriate? Are they f*ck. As much as I would like to see Blair get a bloody nose and as much as I would like to see an inquiry into Iraq (even if like Hutton and Butler it is a whitewash), I would like to see done in a more appropriate way.

Hether Mills Hopping Mad

A story I forgot to mention yesterday was that of Heather "Wooden Leg" Mills suing the Daily Mail and Evening Standard and possibly The Sun over "false, damaging and immensely upsetting" cliams over her divorce with Paul McCartney. While not a fan of the one-legged bandit I must say it couldn't happen to a nicer paper. Incidently I have heard a wonderful joke on the divorce which is bit old but should be shared. Apparently Paul McCartney was asked in an interview if he ever thought he would go down on one knee again. He replied "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather". Ho ho ho.

18 Doughty Street - The Game

Last night I finally ventured on the 18 Dullty Street (sorry that should read Doughty) website to watch Monday's Vox Politix with Iain Dale. After about 5 minutes I stopped. God it was awful. It looked pretty amateur and the idea that one would regularly watch this instead of Newsnight or any other current affairs programme is laughable. However, I did think of a game you can play if you really feel that you have to watch it. It's called "Spot Dale's Ego". The rules are simple. Tune in to Vox Politix and and give yourself a point everytime you hear Iain Dale say me, I, my, myself, personally or any other words that Iain Dale mentions that involve Iain Dale. If you get over 100 points then you win. If you are really pathetic and watch it with other people you can compete against each other. You can start playing tonight or alternatively just simply turn on your TV and watch something better.

The Chav, The Crossdresser and The Freak

Following the wonderful start of The Lord Lucan Fittest Researcher of the Year competition with the lovely Nancy. Things have taken a turn for the worse in the men's competition. Three photos have been submitted to Lord Lucan which really are not good. It is a shame when of the vast numbers of researchers that exist the three entries that have been submitted have clearly not shown their best features. However, I know that they are out there and the female who has the responsibilty of judging the men would really not want to have to award the prize to one of these three rogues. Therefore, I call upon you to email thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk with photos of butch men otherwise Parliament will be a sorry place to work. Don't forget while the standards are a lot higher currently in the women's competition I'm sure there is the beauty out there. Finally remember, this competion is not judged on brain or personality it comes down to the fickle world of who has the best looks. Meanwhile here are the photos for the men. Don't have nightmares.

MPs Face Christmas Starvation

If you have had a Christmas invite from Adam Price, Bob Spink, Angus MacNeil, David Taylor, Andrew Dismore, Brian Iddon, Paul Holmes, Andrew George or Keith Vaz then my advice to you is cancel quick. In the event of not much news such as today (I'm holding on the cash for honours until Blair feels the long arm of the law...tick tock) I wander to have a look at what EDMs are floating about and spotted EDM number 2823. "That this House is shocked at the news that the Christmas hamper firm Farepak has gone into administration; recognises that the families that have invested money in the hamper scheme will be left facing a difficult Christmas period; and calls on the Minister responsible for consumer affairs to investigate the matter". Clearly there will be bread and water at these various MPs' houses as their hamper selling scheme means that ideas of stilton, ham and Christmas pudding is clearly fading away into the Advent sunset.

First Nomination Shows High Standard

The first nomination for The Lord Lucan Fittest Researcher of the Year has come through and the standard has been set high from the word go. The nomination is Nancy from Ian Austin's Office and was described by the person who put her forward as "exceptionally hot". The photo was provided courtesy of Guido Fawkes although the nominator was not him. However, can you do better? Keep your eyes peeled for radient visions of researcher beauty and email your nominations to thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk. Meanwhile here is Nancy:

Strange Sights in Parliament

My great thanks to a favourite comment leaver and all round good egg who will remain anonymous for sending this wonderful picture (click to enlarge) which they took at lunchtime. This was outside Commons' Leader Jack Straw's Office and on his incoming mail tray. Suspicion is that it could be from a deputy leadership rival knowing Jack's passion for chocolate cake slipping a bit of his favourite gateux laced with a bit of arsenic. However, what is peculiar is why was all the incoming mail brought into the office except the chocolate cake? My suspected response from Mr. Straw's office who I decided not to contact as they probably have more important issues would be something on the lines of:

"The chocolate cake arrived at Jack's office completely covering itself wearing and cake case and covering its top with icing. Jack asked whether the cake would mind removing it's veil of chocolatey crystal icing as he felt he couldn't communicate with the cake properly. The cake didn't respond and kept covered. Jack then asked the cake to wait outside and to have a serious think about uncovering itself. The cake is still there thinking."

Email Address Launched

As promised the Lord Lucan email address is up and running now. So we can really get underway with the Lord Lucan Fittest Researcher of the Year competition. The judging panel is almost sorted all we need now is you. Take a photo of your favourite bit of eye candy from the researcher world, I understand if you may have to do this candidly but if you can get them in a pose well done, and email it to thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk. Finally, I'd just like to say to the comment leaver who said that this was just a chance to letch that such a comment is a slur on my good nature and all photos will be treated with the utmost degree of sensitivity...probably!

Back to The Good Old Days

Tory tax plans have come out today and has shown various cuts can be made although there will be hike in green taxes. Fiscal experts have been browsing through it and have concluded that if these figures plans were to be made reality that those on high and middle wages would benefit. However, there would be little or no gain for those on lower incomes. The old brigade of Tories are naturally delighted as this is back to the old days and is not part of the Cameron/Osborne sunshine winning the day and love for all agenda. So all together now "We don't like the peasants, we don't like the peasants. La la la la. La la la la."

Hunt for a Hottie

Following the news that The House Magazine is to launch a prize for Parliamentary Researcher of the Year. A separate incident when going to get some lunch yesterday when I saw a very attractive researcher who I hadn't seen before and who's name on their pass I couldn't see got my mind thinking. Therefore I am proud to annouce the...Lord Lucan Fittest Researcher of the Year Award. Those of you who can think of anyone can leave a nomination in the comments box. At some point soon a Lord Lucan email account will be set up and in order for a nomination to be successful a photo should be submitted. I will be looking forward to a panel of judges and will be approaching them in time. I might even buy a cheap plastic trophy for the winner.

So is someone in your office what is termed as 'talent'? Did you see something 'dishy' in the lunch queue (sorry about that pun)? If so names to Lord Lucan...watch this space for further info and the soon to be launched email address.

Sion Simon - Floppy Haired Wierdo

I saw a rather young Tory researcher last night and then realised it was Sion Simon, of youtube fame. Whilst biting my tongue to hurl abuse a thought came to me....








Scary, a man who has an unhealthy love the PM looking just like David Walliams.

Calling All Card Makers

In what has been the most shameless publicity stunt and abuse of celebrity status Madonna has stolen a Malawian baby. However, I've come up with a way of being more shameless than Madge herself. All I need is a Christmas Card manufacturer. Now I know Christmas is miles away but this idea needs to get going now if I am going to cash in. Below is a traditional Christmas card image: This is Raphael's Madonna and Child. A classic masterpiece and a lasting Christmas Card image. Now if you haven't seen where I'm going with this one then you are clearly stupid. Below is the image of my Christmas card, why it's the 21st century Madonna and Child:
Well there we have it a tasteless way to cash in on a tasteless publicity stunt. Show me the way to the bank. Oh and if any Christmas Card makers would like to contact me about the enterprise, please leave a note in the comments.

What to do When You Become a Lord

Vistors to the Palace tomorrow will find that the Robing Room will be omitted from the tour. This is due to the House of Lords Peers Induction Day. This is designed for Peers who have recently bought (sure earned?) their Peerage and offers them a chance to see what facilities the House of Lords has for them. Lord Lucan expects the Accounts stall to be very popular as Peers get to find out how to claim their expenses. "So I turn up sit around for a bit and get £500 for it. Fantastic, show me where to sign". It is also reported that the Refreshment Department stand will have free chocolate so that one might be popular. Other stands that might of been popular but sadly won't be there are the 'How to know when you need the toilet stand', the 'What setting for your hearing aid stand', the 'where to find your false teeth stand' and the 'Other places for your afternoon nap other than the Chamber stand'.

Bar Open At Last

Friday as usual means a liquid lunch (as does Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday and Thursday). This normally means going to the Sports and Social, waiting for 45 minutes to have my pint poured and then only 15 minutes to drink it. However, with the fact my boss is out the office today I had over an hour. I ventured down to the Lord's Bar and Restaurant which to my delight I discovered was open. Kolly was behind the bar and service was rapid. The place has lost its rustic charm and the best way to describe it is that if they put a bar in Portcullis House this is what it would look like. However, I do have one concern. There are seats round in the eating area but in the bar bit there are stools which are quite high and very slippery. I am looking forward to seeing many a drunken researcher falling off the stools, hopefully starting tonight. Watch this space.

Only In America

I don't normally cover events across the pond for two reasons. One, America runs in such a ridiculous way that it is best to leave them to themselves. Two, they aren't very important. However, this is good and probably one of the best examples of incredible bad taste going. The 9/11 (or 11/9 as we say in the UK) Commission have turned their report into a comic. Talking about it last night someone said, "It's a graphic novel". GRAPHIC NOVEL MY ARSE, IT'S A F*CKING COMIC. This really has to be one of the worst things possible. Thousands died and you put it in the same league as Dennis the Menace and The Bash Street Kids. The picture above is from the book but what really shows the naffness of this is that there is a Batman like "BLAMM!". This really is bad taste but I'm almost tempted to buy it just to own it as a coffee table book that will really be a conversation piece. Incidentally you can get the book from Amazon for £9.59, click here.

For The Record

Right, I have come to the conclusion I don't like Dave. It is has now come to the point that when I see his face I want to smack him in the face with a wet fish. He's so bloody smug with his pretty boy looks and his sunshine and happiness thing. Replacing the logo was another of those things that got to me. I believe it was Barry Beef who said to me that the old logo was one of those that really showed the Tory "Burn them" attitude. The tree looks crap. I know they want to get young people involved but getting a three year-old to design your logo is just a bad idea. As for his speech today I thought it is full of content. It was just a shame that all that content was soundbites and soundbites. The BBC news editing team are going to have a nightmare chosing which one out of the hundreds used they'll use. Smug git, I'm off to join Veritas.

From Peerage to Porridge

Lib Dumb doner in the slammer, PC Plod banging on the doors of number 10 and now we hear a number of Tories are having to 'pop down to the station'. Crime figures on the up I think. However, at least that issue of an appointed or elected second chamber has been sorted...We've got a bought chamber.