Thursday, February 22, 2007

Karaoke Update

Tragic news, Gutbuster has no balls...
Karaoke still on though from 7.30pm in the S&S, you know you love it.

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BBC Doesn't Sterotype

Nearly p*ssed myself laughing when browsing the party animals website and finding this non-sterotypical statement made about Tory Researchers (see highlighted bit). Is it a fair and balanced comment, I wouldn't like to make a judgement...

Click here for link

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Karaoke Night

The tuneful sounds of karaoke descend on the Sports and Social Club again tonight starting at 7.30 and the rematch of one of the bitterest grudgematches. Yes it's Recess Monkey V Gutbuster. The Monkey has promised to arrive in good time so that he can get his song in and Gutbuster has not been seen for a few days so is assumed to be in training. Let battle commence. Lord Lucan hopes to be belting one out as well.

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Michael Meacher to stand for Labour Party Leadership. More to follow.

Party Animals - The Fun Continues

Party Animals again last night and Lord Lucan decided to work late and watch it in the office and thank God he did. Why? At least when the programme got so despairingly bad one could turn to European Agriculture and alike to keep the pain away. The Russian mafia seemed not to have learnt from Neil Hamilton and Mohammed Fuggin' Al-Fayed and atttempted to get questions asked in the most seedy of manners. Danny "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" Foster wandered around like a lovesick puppy winging and whining. The political story was on drugs but somehow nobody seemed to know why this existed although Scott "Fancy a Shag" Foster seemed to have more cocaine about than Columbia. Cocaine snorting was neverending thanks to Fancy a Shag's neverending supply of charlie and yet again we see how everyone in Westminster is on the stuff. Don't you know that they have cocaine sachets next to the sugar sachets in The Debate and Terrace Cafeteria? Fancy a Shag did indeed fancy a shag in last nights episode and stuck one up Kirsty "Why do I exist" Mackenzie whom You know I'm actually Kerron Cross fancied enormously and couldn't have sex with anyone else because of that.
Meanwhile in Tory camp Ashika "I'm fit and I'm Asian" Chandiramani got selected in some byelectioned constituency and had a bit of a lovers tiff with James "I've got a massive nob" Nothcote and that was it.
There was one genius line although I have forgotten it but that was it. Another appaling yet compulsive episode down. Maybe next week we discover that all bag carriers have a mass orgy in the Portcullis House atrium on Friday afternoons in the knowledge that the MPs are at their constituencies. Sadly no sight of journalist Sophie "WooHoo" Montgomery who by what she fails to do in terms of helpfulness to a storyline and acting ability makes up for in being fit, therefore here is a piccy of her...

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Light's On But Nobody's Home

It seems that stupidy has affected not just the House of Commons Refreshment Department (see here) but also the House of Lords as well. I'm sure you my well educated readers have heard phrases as "She's about as much use as a chocolate teapot", or "He's about as much use as a pork pie in a synagogue" and of course "That's about as much use as a solar power torched". Naturally a solar powered is not very useful as one would assume you want to use it when it is dark and therefore there would be no light to power it. So when searching the House of Lords Gift Shop lift for a suitable present for my new godson (yes Lord Lucan has become a goddaddy for the first time) imagine my surprise to see on the list "solar powered torch NEW...£19.95". Don't believe me here it is...The link for the Lord's gift shop price list is here (only works in Parliament). I can't think anyone would be stupid enough to buy this let alone at £19.95, far better off getting a maglite. Solar powered torch, I despair.

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Terrace Turkeys

Being a busy Peer, Lord Lucan was unable to blog yesterday afternoon due to meetings and what have you. However, he did manage to pop down to the Terrace Cafeteria yesterday lunchtime to enjoy a couple of pancakes with maple syrup preceeded by a rather tasty beef stroganoff. However, I was rather alarmed to see on the menu and indeed on the counter seared Norfolk turkey escalope. Norfolk turkey are they trying to kill us. The media has made everyone turn into jibbering wrecks over the non-scary bird flu and then the Terrace Cafeteria go serving Norfolk turkey madness. Mind you, I bet they got them cheap from some dodgy food supplier "Ere got a bit of Norfolk turkey, bit of bird flu but hey you aint gonna eat it". Pictured above is the turkeys being got ready to send to the Terrace Cafeteria. I have to admit it wasn't very popular unlike the pancakes which were very tasty.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Ego Grows

The ego of Iain Dale is unbelievable. He has slapped an ad on message space for his pisspoor blogger TV, 18 Dullty Street (Politics for people who need to get out more). No harm in that I suppose but to have a fictional conversation between Sue and Bob where Bob, having sadly missed 18 Dullty Street because he had a life, adds "I heard Iain Dale was great though". Un-bloody-believable, the self-righteous nihilist. In other news a new door has had to be ordered for 18 Dullty Street which is wider at the top than the bottom to fit the great egos' head through it.

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Monday, February 19, 2007

Dan the Man

Lord Lucan is not a member of the Labour Party thankfully but has been drawn to the fact that Daniel Carden is standing for Youth Officer to the NEC. Here is the link to his website. He bangs on about trade unions, up the workers, down the fat cats and viva la revolution and all that mumbo-jumbo. However, young Dan who apart from being the poshest scouser I have ever heard also has been called Lord Lucan's little bro and therefore in a spirit of keeping it in the family Lord Lucan along with Amicus, the T&G and TSSA is backing Dan, he is after all an excedingly handsome chap. So come on Dan the Man.
Many thanks to Barry's Beef for informing me of Dan's standing.

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It's Them and US

Back from my break and what a disappointment as illness kicks in and lemsip makes money out of me. Anyway I'm back now and in good health.
I was on a train last night which for no apparent reason did the bit from Woking to London Waterloo via Staines. Fortunately I had the latest issue of Private Eye which had an intresting piece on the cash for peerages scandal and one immediate consequence regarding the USA.
The basics are that the USA has a cushy little deal with most Western states that if you have had no record with the police you do not have to apply for a visa or deal with complex paperwork to visit the so called land of the free. However, when it refers to record with the police doesn't mean a criminal record. If you have been arrested and not charged you do kiss sweet good-bye to a paperwork-free visit to America. Therefore were Des Smith (he who was right royally shafted), Ruthie Turner or Lord Levy to feel like a holiday or a place of refuge from Yates in the home of McDonalds and fat people then they would have to go through an excedingly lengthy process. What a bugger eh?

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Monday, February 12, 2007

It's Recess!!

Lord Lucan has gone on holiday. Have fun all and I will be back next week.

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World Record Letter

Here for your delight is the letter which I have just sent to Guinness World Records regarding the bacon fry...

The Lord Lucan
Records Management Team
Guinness World Records Limited
3rd Floor
184-192 Drummond Street

Dear Sir/Madam,
Whilst enjoying a drink with friends in a small bar in London the decision was taken to have some Smiths Bacon Fries. Imagine our surprise then when we found what I believe to the World’s Largest Bacon Fry in our randomly chosen packet. I have been on your website and done a wider search on the internet and can’t find any existing record for the World’s Largest Bacon Fry. Therefore I believe we hold the record for the World’s Largest Bacon Fry.
I have attached a number of photos of the Bacon Fry including one showing its size by comparing it to a 50p piece. I have used my A-Level in mathematics to calculate that since the height of a 50p piece is 2.5cm therefore the bacon fry is 3.5x7.5cm, which I am sure you will agree is quite a phenomenal size for a bacon fry. Sadly I am unable to send you the bacon fry as my frugal friends felt that food shouldn’t go to waste and promptly ate it. Although they did say it wasn’t very nice.
Due to circumstances beyond my control I am of no fixed abode at the moment. However, I am online. Therefore I would be wondering if you could be kind enough to confirm whether I do indeed hold the record by emailing me, my address is
I look forward to hearing from you and in the meantime I will continue to endeavour to find peculiar food products in public houses.
Kindest Regards,
The Lord Lucan

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The Bacon Fry

Sometimes something so odd happens whilst in the Sports and Social that you have to let the world know. Remember this man...He has now left this fine established from the shock of one of the worlds largest pork scratchings. However, the last wek things took a turn for the scarier when the most enormous bacon fry was discovered in the Sports and Socail Club. Here it is in its wrapping still untouched... Next to get size comparison here it is next to a 50p piece.And here is is in all it's glory...After much discussion of whether to a) Return to manufacturer and demand a refund. b) Send it to the Guinness Book of World Records or c) eat it, option c was the winning idea. Two brave souls tried it and descirbed itas soggy and quite minging here is one of the brave tasters tucking in. Mmm, yum yum...
Searches on the Guinness World Record website as well as a google search couldn't yield a current existing record for the world's largest bacon fry. Lord Lucan is now going to write them a letter with attached photo to see if this really was the world's largest bacon fry.

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Dave Puffs The Magic Stuff

So it seems that Dave was on the wacky baccy whilst at Eton. Along with most MPs from all sides I do declare "so what". This is something that we have got to get more used to from our MPs and politicians. Drug use in schools started to become more common in David Cameron's schooldays and has never showed any signs that this will stop being the case. I'm not saying that every kid who went to school since the 1970s has taken drugs, I didn't and I know many people who didn't too. However, I also know of a lot more people who took did experiment with cannabis whilst at school. A young spotty teenager is not going to think as they are offered their first spliff "Oh no I mustn't because this will backfire when I am leader of the opposition". A result of this is that we can expect a lot more of our MPs and future MPs to have experimented with drugs in their past. I expect a handful to make similar statements on the back of Dave. However, our next generation of MPs will have even more former drug users and we have many a repeat of what happened this weekend. What is important is that they haven't taken drugs in their public life and that they aren't proud of what they have done.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Party Animals and Reggae Reggae Sauce

The prospect of watching England get beat in a game which I am widley considered a world expert on was just too delicious to make me go home and watch something else last night. Party Animals (which I had missed the first episode of) preceeded by the new series Dragons Den was on the menu. I was going to give you my two cents on Party Animals as everyone else has (see here, here, and for the best review here) but then there was something on Dragons Den which I want to share.

Pictured above is Levi Roots of Reggae Reggae Sauce. This man is a legend (although his real name is Kevin) anyone who starts a business pitch for £50,000 with reggae serenade, completely has no idea of his figures but wins investment is a good man in my books. He was selling his reggae reggae sauce (so could he named it twice) which is a jerk sauce for chicken and burgers and contains erbs, spices and tings and has its own song. Virgin Radio this morning had an interview with him and he was one of the most geniune and amusing men I've heard. Reggae Reggae Sauce is quite hard to come across particularly at the moment because supply can't reach demand but do check out the Reggae Reggae Sauce website here and put some music in your food. I also as a consequence have the Reggae Reggae Sauce song stuck in my head.

Moving onto Party Animals and seriously how bad is this? Danny is one of the most annoying people going. The script was poor. The old school Tories were just to unrealistic for belief. One ammusing bit was when Danny met his MP in the morning and she dumped three bags on him to carry, living up to the bag carrier reputation. Unless something good happened during the five minutes I went for dump this show was poor. However, it is one of those programmes which is so bad it is compulsive viewing. Hotel Babylon was in this category too and I was delighted to see that the second series of that is about to hit our screens.

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It's Your Lucky Day

So having got into work three hours late because the country can't cope when a little bit of snow has fallen out of the sky, despite having known that it would be here for four days, find that somebody nice has sent you a parcel. In the hope it is a box of chocolates or the amazon order you placed on Monday you open it. BANG. Bugger me, it's a parcel bomb. You're rushed to hospital where the bloke next to you has a bit of sniffle. However, he has been working for Bernard Matthews and doctors think he might have bird flu. As a result of reading the papers and watching the news the bird flu man scares you into thinking you might turn into a phesant. Should have stayed at home really.

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Monday, February 05, 2007

Bird Flu Hits Bernard Matthews

Yes, the worlds most unscary virus has hit the boootiful turkeys of Bernard Matthews. I would estimate that 65% of airtime on BBC News 24 is currently being devoted to the loss of 160,000 birds. I have discovered I can still eat turkey, I won't catch the virus and I am not going to die. However, I am not allowed to visit a small corner of Norfolk. Well that has ruined everthing! However, we can all be OK if we follow that gem of advice the DEFRA Minister Ben Bradshaw gave almost exactly a year ago:

"For the most impact on trying to prevent mutation, or reassortment, we need to get a handle on the outbreaks in south-east Asia and other countries. In Turkey, as he will know, there are some small back-yard flocks where people actually sleep with their birds and have very intimate contact with them. As far as I am aware, that does not happen in this country. " (Hanard link here)

So no shagging birds please everyone. Although I should stress when I say birds I mean the feathered variety, not the human type. However, don't shag the human type if they don't let you or if they betrothed to somebody else. Am I starting to digress here from the subject of bird flu, I think so. Basically you're not going to get bird flu, you are not going to die, you can have that Bernard Matthews' turkey sandwich you made for lunch (in fact there is hardly any turkey in that anyway) and I would be very grateful if the Beeb would stop clucking about (had to get that pun in) and cover some proper news.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

++Sith To Be Investigated++

The Charity Commission has just announced it is launching an formal inquiry into the actions of the Smith Institute for breaching rules of being a non-political charity. Blair questioned, Sith investigated. It must be Guido's dream day.

Lord Lucan has also beaten Guido to reporting this.

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Lucan Predicted Blair Questioning

Last Friday I predicted that the cash for honours enquiry would take a dramatic turn on that day. I was staying quiet that initially my prediction was not on the same level as Nostradamus and seemed to have been wrong. However, I was right! For on that Friday our beloved PM was questioned for a second time, only the police had asked for press blackout which was only lifted today. Now we know why there is a policeman outside No. 10. The met is closing the net on the corruption of this shambolic government, the only question is who will be the fall guy/girl. I can't see Blair taking the fall but Levy might just be starting to sweat a bit. I might try the lottery this weekend either that or do astrology for The Sun. Mystic Meg is losing it, make way for Lord Lucan.

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