The Deputy Leader Apprentice

Tonight is Wednesday and there is no Party Animals all that appears to be watchable tonight is the cricket in the Sports but I fear that will be overtaken by the football (England 0 - Andorra 0). Then this morning whilst half awake listening to Today a trailer comes on for The Apprentice and cue the catchphrases; contestants saying "I'm driven, motivated and I know I can do this and I will destroy anyone who get's in my way". Sir Alan "You are a load of crap. You're fired". Annoying bloke in background "The Search for Sir Alan's Apprentice is on". Now having watched previous series and worried that the contestants really might be the best British industry has to offer I am going to give it a miss and watch tonight's goalless draw. However, an idea has occured to me. Once Gordon has realised his destiny and become leader then the search for his apprentice can begin. All the deputy leadership candidates can be divided into two teams and given snappy names such as Dynamo and Polynix. Each week Gordon sets the two teams a task. "Being my apprentice involves making the voters think we care, you're task is to get as many people to switch to voting Labour in 24 hours". Then at the end the teams are hauled into Number 10 where Gordon delivers the results...

GB: "Dynamo a disappointing result there you got nobody to switch. What went wrong..."

Peter Hain (for he is project leader): "Well..."

GB: "I don't care, you're sh*t. Polynix you to got nobody to switch. Anything to say?"

Hilary Benn (for he is the other project leader): "Yes. I think..."

GB: "I didn't think you had anything to say because you are just a load of retarded donkeys. Anyway Polynix you managed not to make anyone switch to voting Tory unlike Dynamo who actually made 16 people Tory. Therefore Polynix you win and as a treat you can have a mini sausage roll each. Now bugger off. Dynamo you stay here for one of you will be fired."

Polynix team bugger off.

GB: "So Dynamo who cost you this task?"

Dynamo (in unison): "Cruddas"

GB: "Hazel. You're ginger. You're a liability. You're not Scottish. You're female and you're surname sounds very much like Blair. Why shouldn't I fire you?"

Hazel Blears: "Sir Gordon if I could just point out..."

GB: "I don't care, I don't like you. Hazel...YOU'RE FIRED"

And so this process until one winner and deputy leader is chosen. Now that would be a proper deputy leadership contest.