Lord Lucan is on The Booze - Again

Their Lordships and the MPs are about to all bugger off for their Christmas break until the 8th January. In light of this momentous event Lord Lucan is going to have a large amount to drink. As a result of this he will be taking tomorrow off. I will be back on Thursday with a brief review off the year. Right now, to the bar and mine's a pint.

Cheeky Quotes

More from the Cheeky Girls, as Gabriella goes on GMTV to declare her undying love for Lib Dumb MP Lembit Opik denying claims from weathergirl Sian Lloyd that their relationship was a pantomine. Gabriella, is reported on the BBC wesite that their realtionship "was very platonic [sic] at the beginning and we had long chats on the phone." Meanwhile Mama Cheeky Girl has described Lembit as a "little bit shy". Lembit has said of Sian Lloyd "brightest, most-outgoing, hard working and generous people I've had the privilege to know". Other Cheeky Girl, Monica has said that Gabriella has been so lovestruk that she has stopped going to the gym and doing her household chores and was "dreaming with eyes wide open". Frankly, I find it amazing that the Cheeky Girls do household chores! With all these batty quotes and the whole Weathergirl, Cheeky Girl, Lib Dumb MP love triangle, it just makes you wonder. Sometime truth is stranger than fiction.

Karaoke...The Photos

As promised, here are a selection of the photos from Thursday night (certain bloggers identities have been protected)...

First up here is Gutbuster doing his Elvis thing...

Doesn't the next reveller look like Paul Burrell?...
Put your hand in the air if you are Barry Beef...
It's the lovely DJ from the night, Michelle...
It's that Burrell bloke again...
He may have turned up late but Recess Monkey looks like a happy chappie...

There is an MP in the next photo, can you spot him?...
Put your hands in the air, put your hands up in the air...
The obligatory luvvy-duvvy photo...
Finally, can anyone guess who these very drunken eyes belong to...

Lembit is the Cheeky Boy

"Liberal Dumbocrat MP has left his long term girlfriend and weathergirl Sian Lloyd and is now dating a transvestite" a sleepy Lord Lucan woke up to this news on Sunday morning. No surprise there being I Lib Dumb, I think. Imagine my surprise then that it wasn't transvestite but transylvanian and that it was a cheeky girl. One thought that April Fools Day had come early and that this was a wind up. Turns out it wasn't a wind up but is serious, expect next time the anagram gets up in the chamber either shouts about "hot fronts" or just shouts of "touch my bum". However, the best bit of this all is a quote from the cheeky girls mother, "She is a normal girl he is a normal boy". Apart from this being a whopping lie, the simarlity to a cheeky girl 'lyric' (if you can call them that) is uncanny. Cheeky Girl Lyric: "We are the cheeky girls you are a cheeky boy", Mama Cheeky Girl Quote: "She is a normal girl he is a normal boy". Makes me laugh anyway.

Cheeky Girls (L)

Cheeky Boy (R)

That Memo - Not No 10

The memo which was leaked over the weekend which was splashed over the front page of the Mail on Sunday is clearly not a memo from 10 Downing Street. The memo which describes the government as a "shambles" and adds "It is not just Labour internal conflicts but a lack of grip and competence on key issues. Iraq is a potent and raw issue, so is the NHS, immigration and crime. We have lost control of the big issues and are not delivering". This is clearly not coming out of number 10 and before it sounds like I have become one of the great unwashed lefties, I will give my reasons. The reason it does not come from number 10...It's the truth and we all know that the Prime Ministers office is incapable of doing that.

My Head Hurts

Feeling delicate today, very delicate after staggering into bed at about 1 in the morning (I actually have no idea when it was but an educated guess puts it at 1). Lord Lucan arrived, already quite tipsy, at the S&S at 6.30 and with what seemed like the rest of the Parliamentary Estate, enjoyed karaoke night. The bar was packed and a good time seemed to be had by all. Photos will be sorted over the weekend and published hopefully on Monday. The great fight of Gutbuster V. Recess Monkey was a win to Gutbuster on the grounds that Monkey Boy turned up far too late to get his song in. He will claim he did a duet but that doesn't count. After all that excitment, an extremely drunk, Lord Lucan wobbles out of the S&S and onto a bus to meet arty friends at a Kennington Hotspot followed by passing out at about 1. Up a seven for what I thought was a 9am Christmas Party but in fact was an 8.30 which I felt surpringly not too terrible for. Now, naked, tired and emotional I'm going to pretend to do some work before going to bed. Bon Nuit.

Update: Clearly struggling as it has taken 5 attempts to get a bit of paper into the bin which is 6 inches away.

Nearly Forgot

Having said that I won't post for the rest of the day. I almost forgot to say something, and have only remembered, despite already being a bit drunk which was:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS WADDLE

No More Posts Today

Lord Lucan is on a heavy drinking day today going to a number of Christmas parties and will not be posting for the rest of the day. He doubts tomorrow is going to be to productive either as he expects to be feeling unwell and has a party at 9am that day. Oh well, the busy life of being a Peer. Might end up doing a Bishop of Southwark tonight.

The Big Fight

V

Sports and Social Karaoke tonight at 7.30. Recess Monkey V Gutbuster. It's going to be messy. Other star acts from blog land will be a source formerly close to the PM and Pookie as well as yours truly. You know it's the place to be.

Bloody 18 Dullty Street

I know I've gone on about this before but I'm sorry I'm getting really cheesed off about 18 Dullty Street. Messrs Cross and Burgin have recently been getting far too overexcited about appearing on what one of them call "The famous Doughty sofa". Famous, it's about as famous and prestigious as the fart I did while trying to get to sleep on Monday night. Secondly, the feature that has become of these people is the name dropping. This is an unsightly habit at the best of times but when the names being dropped are such small fry it is awful. I mean I'm sure Stephen Tall, Barckely Sumner, Tim Montgomerie, Donal Blaney and the one they call Zoe are very nice people but they are hardly people at the centre of the news agenda. Thirdly, is a piece on Iain Dale's, head henchman at Dullty Street, blog about someone being stopped by police filming for Dullty Street (link here). Which Mr. Dale describes as "deeply concerning". Sorry Iain but there are rules about filming which we all have to follow from the BBC to the tourist with a camcorder. It might have passed you by but there is a terrorist threat going on and your man clearly looked dodgy with his papers on the Met, filming in Westminster etc.. Also the little bugger lied as well saying that he was filming for his own personal video at home. I understand the shame in admitting you do stuff for Dullty Street but you shouldn't lie, being a politician you know that.

I would be very interested to know the viewing figures for Dullty Street because I feel that once these are out in the open then people might just realise that this is a very small thing and that actually most people turn on the TV when they get home not Dullty Street and that people get their "politics fix" from the wide range of terrestial TV shows that are on offer. Right, rant over.

Tasteless Joke of the Week

This arrived via text to Lord Lucan late last night.....

"Anyone up for rugby this weekend? I hear Ipswich are desperately short on hookers!"

Boom boom! I'm now going to rot in hell for publishing that.

Spellar Not In Deputy Leader Bid

John Spellar, ex-minister and man of beard and glasses has suggested that the post of Labour Deputy leader should be scraped. Interestingly his reasons are not like most peoples ie the current incumbent doesn't seem to do a huge amount. Instead the man gives his reasons as being for financial purposes. He estimates that to run a deputy leadership election it would cost £2m to Labour and £1.5m to the unions. Clearly the Labour Party are really struggling financially with the paying off of loans and their £23m debt, or maybe they just realise that the post is redundant even connecting to the grassroots is pointless as it currently seems that the grassroots say one thing then the executive do the opposite.

Get Well Andrew

Lord Lucan would like to wish Isle of Wight MP Andrew Turner a full and speedy recovery after suffering a stroke on Friday. Andrew who is known to read this blog from time to time is a lovely bloke and sadly is currently in hospital recovering. Lord Lucan sends his best wishes to him and his family.

EDM Watch

Just browsing through the Early Day Motion (EDM) list I have found a short and simple and rather to the point EDM. Primarily sponsored by Gordon Prentice and with 9 other signatures EDM 381(click here for link) is titled Deputy Prime Minister and is an absolute gem. The EDM in question says "That this House believe that the post of Deputy Prime Minister serves no useful purpose and should be abolished forthwith". No word of a lie there but here is my problem with EDMs they cost money to produce and have no actual worth benefits apart from possibly 15 minutes publicity if it is on a really big issue. What Gordon Prentice is hoping to achieve with his EDM is a mystery, people know John Prescott's job has critisisms on how tenable it is and this EDM will achieve nothing along with all the rest of the EDMs. Therefore I would like an honourable member to table this EDM titled Early Day Motions, saying "That this House believe that Early Day Motions serve no useful purpose and should be abolished forthwith".

Date For Your Diary

Whilst on the subject of the Sports and Social Club just a reminder that next Thursday (14 December) is Sports and Social Karaoke night. Lord Lucan will be singing a number and has been told that Gutbuster will be in attendance with his Elvis impersonating voice. So if you do work in parliament come on down and have a great evening. The evening kicks of from 7.30 so get practising.

Tis The Season To Do Things You Would Never Do Anyother Time of the Year

Lord Lucan is on an attempt to try and loose a bit of weight before he puts it all back on over Christmas. As a result of this he has cut down big time on the booze and has made very infrequent visits to the S&S. However, news reaches him that in the season of much boozing and no judgment two patrons of the club fell victim of this. Apparently, alledgedly (and all other words to stress that I have no proof of this) two drunken people got to know each other very well on Monday night. Furthermore they got very close together just in the corridor outside the club and police were asked to "attend the scene" of this passion. Lord Lucan would be grateful if any spies were about on Monday and good feed him in on the truth or details of this story either in the comments or via email to thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk.

Blown Away By BBC Weather

Lord Lucan is a fan of the BBC programmes such as Strictly Come Dancing, Robin Hood, Catherine Tate make me feel the licence fee that his landlady pays is worth it (provided they don't put it up or the landlady make him pay it). However, their website which is 99% of the time a great source of information occasionally drops a clanger. For example her is the weather for today...If you click and enlarge you will see that the weather is light cloud, maximum temperature of 11 and with a little bit blowy 16mph wind. This was lifted off their site at 3.45pm a good four hours after their light cloud, max temp 11, 16mph wind had done this...
Lord Lucan is always a bit untrusting of North London, he now feels justified.

In Your Face Equifax

Remember, how I said I was having a consumer battle with a company called Equifax (click here if you don't). Well I'm delighted to report that I have won and am now the proud owner of a brand new, swish and swanky mobile phone. Just a shame I haven't a scooby-doo of a clue how to use it.

Moo, Poo and Drew

I am very grateful to a source formerly close to the PM for drawing my attention to one of the most stupid PQs, asked by Stroud (wherever that may be) MP David Drew...

Bovine Emissions

Mr. Drew: To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs what percentage of greenhouse gas emissions came from cows in the last period for which figures are available; and what plans he has to reduce such emissions.

Lord Lucan wonders whether more hot air comes out of a cows arse or out of David Drew's office. If you are interested in the answer, the poor minister of state at DEFRA, Ian Pearson who under his job is in charge of the farting cows department says:

Ian Pearson: Agriculture as a whole contributes 7 per cent. of all UK greenhouse gas emissions and 14 per cent. globally. The sector accounts for 36 per cent. of methane and 67 per cent. of nitrous oxide emissions in the UK, but only 1 per cent. of carbon dioxide. About 80 per cent. of this methane comes from enteric fermentation in the digestive system of animals (sheep, pigs and bovines), and 20 per cent. from animal waste. Methane emissions from agriculture have declined by 12 per cent. since 1990.

Recent research suggests that substantial methane reductions could be achieved by changes to feed regimes. Improving the longevity of dairy cows will also result in decreased methane production as a result of a reduction in the total number of animals needed to produce the same quantity of milk.

Defra is exploring the role of anaerobic digestion in reducing methane emissions in agriculture, both domestically and internationally. For example, we are taking a leading role in the Methane to Markets Partnership; an international initiative that advances cost-effective, near-term methane recovery and its use as a clean energy source.

So there you have it cows (and sheeps and pigs) are leaving a massive carbon footprint by their farting. David Drew, meanwhile, is just an idiot.

One more thing, just went to look for suitable picture for story. Went onto google and did an image search for "cow's arse". The first image which appears is a picture of Chris Huhne. Don't believe me? Try it (make sure you put the apostrophe in).

Britain to Stay Nuclear

Time for another crappy image...

£100k? You Are Taking The P*ss!

Firstly, apologies for noting blogging for ages. One is snowed under with things at the moment and just hasn't had the time. One is also having a major consumer battle with a company called Equifax (named and shamed) who are being complete nightmares but am slowly winning. However, over the weekend we hear that MPs want to give them a whopping pay rise bringing their income to £100K. As if over £60K and a generous expenses package isn't enough. How about the MPs staff some of whom don't even get paid (yes, we're looking at you there Sarah Teather) or the staff who work in the Palace with their notoriously crap wages. If the money is there for the MPs which I estimate will cost £26m per annum couldn't it go elsewhere like these worthy people who will spend it far better.