A Coo of a Story

It's Friday, and after a week of being back at Parliament it is time for me to go back into hiding for a while, but don't worry guys I'll be back soon. However, there is still one more day of blogging to do and time is precious so I'll get on with it. With bugger all happening in Westminster (the combined effect of it being Friday and recess makes this place about as busy as Chernobyl) one's mind is drawn elsewhere and to this story. John Stewart (pictured) is an old man from a very small place in Northamptonshire called Hadston. I looked up Hadston on the net, there genuinely is nothing eventful there at all. Mr. Stewart enjoys pigeon racing. Hell, we've all got to have a hobby. Interestingly, someone told be you can always spot a pigeon racer from their tan and stiff neck after years of standing outside looking up at the sky - but I digress. Now it really is amazing how you can let a pigeon out of box in Northern France and it can find's it way back to your home in Northamptonshire just like that. Only Mr. Stewart's can't. When Mr. Stewart released Judy (his prize pigeon) in July and she never returned he assumed the worst. But Judy has been found, and identifiied as Mr. Stewart's by the ring on his leg. Only Judy hadn't been found in France or Britain or even Europe for that matter. No, Judy was found over 3,000 miles away in the carribean island of St. Eustatius (which is just north of St. Kitts and Nevis). Apparantly he hitched a lift on boat. Arrangements are now in place to reunite Judy with Mr. Stewart. What a lovely story. However, I worry that Judy may wish to borrow Mr. Stewart's glasses as below are two picture one is of Northamptonshire and one is of St. Eustatius, can you spot the difference?

Barking in Double Standards

The Blessed St. Ruth, patron saint of communities and local government, launched her Commission on Integration and Cohesion which will look at how communities in England takcle tensions and extremeism. In responce to that I had a look a Barking and Dagenham website at their Adult and Community Services and the subsection on Racist Incidents (click here for link). The council page says this "We are committed to promoting equal opportunities and celebrating diversity...We want to support equal opportunities for all sections of our community and remove all discrimination. To do this, we need to reduce all types of discrimination...We will not accept any form of racism...we are committed to reporting, recording and acting on all racist incidents...Racist attacks and racial harassment are against the law and are usually known as 'racist incidents'." That's very interesting coming from a council where the second biggest party is the British National Party who are a load of racist thugs in suits such as Cllrs Jamie Jarvis, Robert Buckley and Darren Tuffs (l-r top) or old farts who are set in their ways and long for the return of the empire such as Cllr Ronald Doncaster (left). I'm not a resident of Dagenham and Redbridge but you can report racists incidents to the Adult and Community Services so if you are a resident please do report over 20% of their council for being racists to the...er...council.

Dave Meets Nelson

Dave C and Mandela: Spot the Difference

The BBC website is a marvellous tool but sometimes they do come up with the odd gem. Remember the urgent probe into Dame Shirley Porter. Well yesterday they have covered the meeting between Dave C and Nelson Mandela. Now I know people are getting more stupid but if they haven't heard of David Cameron they are more than likely to have heard of Mandela. If they don't know much about him they certainly know he is black. However, the BBC just to make things clear to us have given us the helpful caption "Mr Cameron (R) is on a two-day visit to South Africa". Well stone the crows I thought that was Dave on the left and he'd just got a damm good tan on summer recess. However, just to really clarify hover your mouse over the picture and you get "Nelson Mandela (L) and David Cameron". Honestly, how stupid do the BBC think we are? What other stupid captions can they do? A photo of the pope with "The Pope who is Catholic" or a snap of a bear and "Bear: sh*ts in the woods". Latest BBC propaganda will soon say "Why do we go to the ends of the earth to patronise you and make you feel stupid? Because at the BBC this is what we do".

GCSE Results Today

The General Certificate of Secondary Education results come in today. Expect therefore images very simaler to the one on the left on all news channels. Young girls, looking at bits of paper, screaming and hugging each other. It is expected that the results make another record, with 135% of students getting 10 A*** or more and only one bloke in Southshields getting a B or below and a foetus in Reading has been the youngest person to get an A* ever having done a GCSE in nuclear physics at the age of -6 months. The government will avoid the issue of dumbing down with the line, "These students have worked very hard to get their results and I don't think we should take their hard work away from them by saying the exams have got easier but should join in their celebration". However, I don't wish to celebrate as I did quite enough of that last night (small hangover today). I want to say the damm things are getting easier. There is no logical way I got the results I got when I sat my GCSEs without dumbing down (for the record I got 2A*s, 6As and 2Bs) when my A-level results were such a shocker (2Cs and a D). I had multiple choice and stupid infant school pictures. Biology revision consisted off skimming over a revision guide for an hour before the exam and I still got an A. This was a few years ago so they must be so much easier, something on the lines of turn up and write name on top of paper and get A*. It is interesting that employers are saying their are people coming out of school with GCSEs who can't read and write and do sums properly. GCSEs aren't dumbing - rubbish!

Oval Test Match - What the Cameras Missed!

Strange Subjects

A couple of months ago I reported on a mildly amusing email from Save the Children. A few weeks ago I reported on how Lord Lucan, Barry Beef and noticable others showed off our great knowledge and triumphed in the Sports and Social Quiz Night. However, now the two stories combine as Save the Children email me asking as the email subject, "What do you, your mum and your grandma have in common?". Don't believe me, click on the picture to enlarge. Tricky question, however, my guess was that we were all related. However, I was wrong. Apparently we have all received child benefits as the child benefit system is 60 in August. I think though there is the potential for stupid yet amusing answers to the question though and invite you to stick your answers in the comment box to...What do you, your mum and your grandma have in common?

Locking the Tower Block Door after the Burgular has Bolted

Sir Ian Blair, what a prat. This bloke takes idiot to the extreme. He has had more scandal than any Met Police comissioner. This time though he seems to have forgotten to take his medicine and has lost the plot. This is what he said what is going on at a Haringey tower block, "It's as if, when the slums they replaced were flattened and they put that up, the police stopped patrolling, so it's quite an interesting concept, and people are opening their doors, leaving their doors open now, or leaving them unlocked, certainly, in a way they haven't done for 25 years, so there's some interesting things going on."

In my opinion there will be lots of blokes in black and white stripped jumpers with a Zorro like mask over their eyes and a black bag saying SWAG on their backs all over Haringey hoping for easy pickings as their is only a community patrol officer to avoid and helping themselves via open doors. However, I doubt a single person does actually leave their door open so our burgular friends will end up banging their heads against the wall (trying to force their way in).

With this tosh coming out of Sir Ian's mouth he needs to put in a padded house and the door should never be unlocked or opened.

When Headline Writers Don't Think

Discovered this headline on BBC website...sounds very painful. Is that the face Dame Shirley makes once she has had her urgent probe.

Now It Has To Be Mrs. T

Ten years ago (actually it was about six months ago), a crack commando unit was sent to prison (The Local Conservative Associations) by a military court (David Cameron) for a crime they didn't commit (apart from Rehman Chisthi, he's as guilty as sin). These men (and even more women) promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground (actually the associations wouldn't accept them so they went back to CCHQ to review policy). Today, still wanted by the government (in fact they want to be government), they survive as soldiers of fortune (or d*ckheads as they are commonly known). If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-List.*

*Two women must be on your shortlist in order to qualify.

The Oval Goes Pear-Shaped*

The heat has been on me for a few weeks as it turns out the police still want me for murder. However, all is calm at the moment and I want to talk cricket. The cricketing world is in chaos after events at The Oval yesterday afternoon. The finger of blame doesn't know where to point or whether ball tampering had really taken place. So to simplify it here are the candidates for who is to blame:

1. Darrell Hair. The umpire and also none too keen on those funny Islam Pakistani Chappies. While the rest of the world can't find any evidence of ball tampering Hair could. Furthermore once Pakistan did decide to come out and both teams were ready and wanted to play he knocked the bails of the stumps and could be seen to have ruined the game for everyone.

2. Inzamam-Ul-Haq (aka Inzy). The fat bloke with a beard, Pakistani captain and also none to keen on that Ozzy bastard Hair. His stubborness which resulted in Pakistan not coming out after tea triggered the farce. Mummy Lucan had always taught me how to be a good sport and that if things go against you to take it on the chin and play up, play up and play the game. Could his childish strop runied the game by forcing the umpires to remove the bails?

3. Mike Procter. It is strange that at the end of test match and the match referee is presented with an N-Power medallion that nobody knows what the hell the match referee has done for the past five days. Well this test match did require the services of the match referee. However, his diplomatic skills failed to get Hair and Doctrove (the other umpire) to come out once the Pakistani team had come out.

4. ICC. Cricket's governing body who are based in Dubai. Funnily enough today is a national holiday in Dubai and there were only plans to have a skeleton staff. As a result, today they can't tell their arse from their elbow. However, should they have made Hair one of the series umpires despite his reputation of not getting on too well with Pakistan? If Billy Bowden had got the gig would this have happened? I doubt it and the the series would have been more amusing with his unconventional signals.

5. Sky Sports. I'm not to sure how Rupert Murdoch's Sky Sports is to blame. However, if the television rights had stayed with Channel 4 and the calming tones of Richie Beanaud this would never have happened.

The whole situation is very confusing, however, I hope the Lord Lucan guide to what the hell happened at the Oval has helped. All I say is roll on the one day series, it should be a cracker.

*Genius headline if I say so myself