What is Charles Clarke Doing?

Ex Home Secretary and all round fat bloke with big ears, Charles Clarke did something a little odd yesterday. As I was in a massive queue to pay for my lunch from the Terrace Cafeteria I spotted Mr Clarke come in to the cafeteria with his tray. He then proceeded to ignore all the sandwiches, hot meals and drinks (including those really nice iced doughnuts) and walked into the dining area with an empty tray. Why? I have two theories. Theory 1 is that Charles Clarke has realised he is a little bit podgy and has gone on a crash diet of eating nothing. However, to compensate he still sits in a dining area with a tray in front of him so it is like he is eating. Theory 2 (and I'm more inclined to believe this one) is that he was robbing the tray. He is still resentful of being given the boot and has decided he is going to ruin John Reid by making the crime figures go up. His crime of tray robbing is small and petty yet is a statistic in the figures that Clarke will get his vengence on Reid for. What do you know crime figures out today show there has been a rise in robberis from 90,747 to 98,204. Which leaves one question. What is Charles Clarke going to do with 7,457 trays?

Plain English from IT People

The House of Lords Intranet was relaunched yesterday. Designed to be all singing and dancing it frankly looks only a bit different from the old one. However, the first piece on the site contained some golden phrases. "Welcome to the House of Lords Intranet", is how it opens, then it goes on "Following the launch of the bicameral corporate intranet homepage ". Whoa there! Can anyone tell me what in the name of Ming is a bicameral corporate intranet homepage? This website is for the benefit of aged Peers who have spent three hours trying to turn on the computer you can't use words like bicameral corporate intranet homepage, it will give them a nervous breakdown. The piece goes on to say "the Lords intranet is the first to migrate". What? Why? Where is it going? Will it go to Africa with the swallows or to Canada with the geese (see picture)? They say the site has been simplified to improve readability. I say my arse.

Who's The Mug?

Various Parliamentary staff are going on "awaydays" shortly. These are normally all the same trappings and boredoms of work but in a different place. However, news reaches me of what must be the worst awayday ever. A certain department (I will not name them because it must be so embarassing for them) had been rumored to be going paintballing. I went on a paintballing awayday some years ago and it was fantastic. However, somewhere along the line the words paintballing and mug painting got confused. The truth is in fact that this department is not going anywhere near a combat jacket and mask but instead are donning their aprons and heating the kiln to paint ceramic mugs. To make matters worse all the departments names are going in a hat, each person draws a name out and has to depict their drawn name via the means of painting a mug. I think this must be the worst awayday ever, however, if you can beat it please let me know in the comment block.

A Short Article

There is a story here on the BBC. The idea is that the TUC is saying employers should let their staff where shorts to work in an effort to beat the heat. This would not work for a two very simple reasons. One, it has come from the TUC so it must be a load of rubbish. Two, see photo.

Great Minds Win Lovely Bubbly

The genius of Lord Lucan, Barry Beef and three others (Chris Goodall, Black Rod's Dept; Pooki, Labour Researcher; Ben Stewart; job centre) made the rest of Parliament look stupid as they won the Sports and Social quiz night. The knowledge required ranged from the names of the children in the lion, the witch and the wardrobe to who lives in the top left hand corner of Wales. In the end our team with the slightly crass name 'I wish this microphone was a pen*s' (if you don't get it think for a bit then you'll realise why it is funny) won by 8 points and were rewarded with a bottle of champagne. The winning team is pictured I have protected the identity of Lord Lucan and Barry Beef because if their identity were revealed their personal safety would be in danger as I am wanted for murder and Barry for a McDonald's beefburger. The pictured I am afraid is a bit blurred as it was taken after the we had won and excitement and booze seemed to affected the team photographer. Two teams of Liberal Dumbocrat researchers (suspision points to Nick Clegg's office) also entered and were true to their dumbocrat title, winning the wooden spoon with an excedingly crappy score. So just for them, let's get out the age old Lib Dumb bar chart:

MP4 Live Gig Sensation

All aboard the good ship The Golden Jubilee for Rock the Boat featuring the infamous band MP4, which for the ignorant among you is made up of 4 MPs. This was one of those functions for MPs to network with the music industry people but really turns into a bit of a drink up. Things weren't helped from the word go as the House of Commons had an unexpected early rise so a lot of MPs took the evening off and sent their staff instead who were just there for the booze. A free bar was there and an extremely good BBQ featuring prawn kebabs (apparently there are always prawn kebabs at BBQs which MPs attend). After Lord Lucan had had a couple of Pimms MP4 hit the stage. MP4 are made up of 2 Labour MPs, Ian Cawsey (Bass and Lead Vocals), Kevin Brennan (Guitar), one Tory, Greg Knight (Drums) and SNP MP Pete Wishart (Keyboard). They played a variety of cover songs including that one Keane did but at a speed so fast the crew on the ship nearly had to call Ian Cawsey an ambulance. Also among their playlist was Kylie Minogue's Can't Get You Out of my Head, only for fear of slurs on their sexuality the line "Boy, just can't get you get out of my head" was changed to "Girl, just can't get you out of my head". Oasis was played also and the night was ended by Money Can't but me Love (but possibly it can get me a Peerage) by The Beatles. They reminded you of your embarassing dad when he hits his mid-life crisis and plays the guitar and drives a harley. A good night seemed to have been had by all but that might have just been the food and free booze and the fact it was on a boat. The email promoting the event said "BBQ-Drinks-MP4 Live-Does life get any better?". I'll get back to them on that but I have a feeling life does get better. My thanks though to the dear reader who blagged the tickets, muchos gracias indeedos.

Monopoly - Lord Levy Style

The net tightens on Lord Levy as he is nicked.

Lord Levy, Sir Gulam and Noel Edmonds

Lord Levy is in a place technically termed sh*t creek and it is unfortunate that he hasn't brought a paddle along with him. He told Gulam Noon not to mention his £250k loan when filling his make me a Peer application form. Unfortunatly Sir Gulam had already filled in his form and sent it of to 10 Downing Street, not that this was a problem as Downing Street just handed it back and probably lent him the tipp-ex. Yet again we find the stink of sleeze around Lord Levy, frankly a gallon of eau d'innocence aftershave would not hide the stink around Levy. Why shouldn't the loan be mentioned? I admit that I would be ashamed if I had lent money to the Labour Party but then Sir Gulam is a supporter of the party and I am not. The other interesting thing behind the revaltions is that Sir Gulam had only planned to lend £50k-£75k but Levy wanted a million and in the end they settled on the £250k figure. What the hell? Is this deal or no deal with Levy the deperate money grabbing contestant and Sir Gulam the mysterious banker. I suppose Ruth Turner played the part of Noel Edmonds. Imagine the scene:

Ruth Turner (sporting beard, horrible shirt and stupid drawings on her hand): Today it is Lord Levy's show. How much are you hoping to win today my Lord?

Lord Levy: Well I really need a million we have an election coming up.

RT: And you picked box number 10 before the show any particular reason?

LL: Yes, I am always associating number 10 with money.

RT: Well think positive and let's open your first five boxes, your first box please.

LL: Box number 3 please

RT: Let's open box number 3 [at this point box 3 is opened revealling a million], Oh no one million pounds.

LL: F*ck it.

Show continues in annoying format until Lord Levy accepts Sir Gulam's offer of £250K.

Anyway this post has gone on long enough and I think you get the point that this whole cash for Peerages thing stinks. No matter how clean Labour thought they were they have been corrupted by power and it is time to send Levy to spend some time at Her Majesty's Pleasure (and my pleasure incidentally).

The Latest in French Cuisine

Revenge. A dish best served cold.

Some Friendly Advice for Prezza

Nuff said.

Bowing and Doffing in the Lords

The House of Lords had its very first Lord Speaker's procession today. I reported the election here last week. Well the result has been approved the Queen and was announced on Tuesday. Once everyone had breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't the technicoloured barnet of Baroness Fookes (pictured) who was to be made speaker, we discovered it was to be Baroness Hayman. Just on the subject of Baroness Fookes she is a dame, if someone could let me know whether that is in the pantomime sense of the word or the Dame of the British Empire sense I would be most grateful. Anyway I digress. So Baroness Hayman is the Lord Speaker and had her first procession. Since her £10k robe is at the tailors she was in a humble clerk's robe which resembled a fancy black dressing gown. As she processed round the Lord's corridors vantage points were filled with people wanting sight of this historic occasion. The charming Peer and part time magician Lord Janner was standing next to me. As the noble Lord Speaker paraded Security Officers doffed their hats and spectators bowed (the House of Lords is very keen on hat doffing and bowing). Lord Janner already excited that his friend was Lord Speaker bowed down so low he almost fell over. So dramatic was this bow that Baroness Hayman who had been stone faced up at to that point had to swallow a giggle. It was all very ceremonial and truly historic. However, it was not as historic as the 900 years of Lord Chancellor which Blair happily got away with in the first place.

Even the Royals do It.

News sometimes gets to me a bit late. Still better late than never. At Trooping the colour, whilst all the Royals were on the balcony, it would seem that somebody within the "Royal Ranks" passed wind much to the amusement of all. Click on the picture to enlarge. Also notice HM The Queen's face in the third photo and the look of guilt on Prince Phillip, one things that it might be him who was the culprit. Good to see Harry has a mature sense of humour.

Star Spotted in S&S

Last week I was at the Sports and Social Club AGM where the objectioable administrator Deryc (who else spells Derek with a yc?) Sands assured us all that the S&S was turning round from dark days and returning to a smart, popular bar. I was sceptical about this statement because it still suffers from incredible slow service and the random bits of agricultural tools on the walls. However, all was proved wrong last night. Yes service was still not lightning (but Nick wasn't there so it was slightly quicker), still the farming crap, but Adam Rickett was there. Yes, ex-corrie star, singer of one of the most disturbing songs ever and now Tory A-lister was in the S&S. Tories never use the S&S, it is far to common but Rickett was there with about six other toffs drinking away. Maybe they were just trying to find out what common folk do. Well if the S&S is good enough for Adam Rickett it is good enough for me. I just hope he doesn't make a habit of it.

Labour Government Gone in Couple of Days Says Recess Monkey

Staffers past and present were out on mass last Friday to celebrate the 30th birthday of an exstaffer who identity I won't reveal because he is now very old. The celebration was held at Cubana near Waterloo station. A venue clearly chosen by the lefties as it was adorned with pictures of Che Guevara and Fidel Castro and the whole "Up The Revolution" theme. Lord Lucan stuck on the Super Bock lager while many male members of the group who should know better drunk mojito and looked like girls. One of those who were drinking girly cocktails was Recess Monkey who was sporting a bright red t-shirt saying "Have you noticed how we only win the World Cup under a Labour Governement?". Recess Monkey went on to tell me that he is getting the most use out of wearing it at the moment as it will probably be redundant in a couple of days. What he didn't say was whether he felt it would be redundant in a couple of days because he didn't think England would win the World Cup or because he had inside knowledge that the Labour Government would be overthrown in a couple of days. Lord Lucan hopes it was the latter but will wait and see. Anyway a good night was had by all. Lord Lucan drove past the venue early the next morning. Fortunately nobody had fallen asleep outside and the only evidence of the previous night was the courtyard outside resembled a giant ashtray. One could hardly see the tarmac at all due to the amount of fag butts on the ground.

Now Sven has Gone We Need a New Campaign

After suffering over two hours of Motty drivel on Saturday, my sentiments exactly.

Incidently this shirt is available by clicking here.