Pub Encourages Sex

As is customary, on Friday I went for a couple of drinks. However, the trappings of alcohol got the better of me and I ended up just after 11pm in St Stephen's Tavern. However, despite being drunk I could still read the rather cryptic message on the till at the bar. "Day - - - Smile, Sex". I expected the message to scroll along and reveal a more understandable slogan but it didn't, that was it. Parliament has been known for its sexual scandals involving alcohol (click here for reminder) and the realease of Party Animals on BBC 1 isn't going to do much to help Staffers not appear as sex mad drunks. However, with a bar popular with drunk staffers after the bars on the Parliamentary estate have closed encouraging this behavious is just not helpful. However, I am all in favour of smiling, there simply isn't enough of them in the working environment.

Portcullis House on Fire

There has just been an evacuation of Portcullis House due to the fire alarm going off. Lord Lucan is thinking of the Staffers standing in the cold whilst sat in his lovely warm office in the main building with a cup of tea. Suckers.

Looking forward to Kerron's inevitable rant on his blog once he has been let back in. Tell me Kerron how cold is it outside?

There May Be Trouble Ahead

Lord Lucan has a feeling that Dep. Comm. Yates might be making a "visit" today. Just a feeling but let's watch this space.

Flip A Pound Not A Euro

In an interesting* debate on the Union between Scotland and England today Lord Patten gave an insight into management at UKIP. Lord Patten, who has hair that looks like a wig, had given an extremely pompous speech saying how he'd been hob-nobbing at some party to celebrate the 300th anniversary of the Union and how disgraceful it was that Gordon Brown was not there as he was in India dousing the flames caused by Celebrity Big Brother. It was a pretty awful speech and Lord Lucan was falling asleep during it when he moved onto UKIP. I don't know how he moved onto UKIP, I wasn't paying attention. Anyway apparently the two UKIP Peers who are Lord Pearson of Rannoch and Lord Willoughby de Broke (a really UKIP sounding name there) meet about half an hour before the House of Lords sits to decide who will be leader of the UKIP Peers for the day. You can imagine the scene as they flip a coin to decide who gets the prestigeous role - mind you it would have to be a pound and not a euro and then the loser gets the role of deputy leader. Bloody UKIP. While writing this Baroness Fookes has been on her feet and her hair colour matches the colour of the red benches behind her perfectly.

*Please read the use of the word interesting in its loosest term.

Update: Those helpful chaps at Hansard now have the link up (click here)

MRSA Alert In Chamber

A debate in the House of Commons yesterday regarding Hospital Acquired Infections probably gave a number of MPs a sleepless night. During the debate Laura Moffatt revealed:

"If I were still in my former profession and took a swab to Members’ noses in the Chamber and other interesting little places, many of us would be found to be carrying Staphylococcus aureus, which can cause harmful infections. That is the reality and the difficulty of the situation that we face."

I should just for the record add that Laura Moffatt's former profession which she refers to is that of a nurse. Anyway, the sleepless night given to MPs was not the idea of Laura Moffatt taking a swab of their nose, although that is a horrendous idea. No, what would give MPs their night of unrest is the idea that many of them would be carrying Staphylococcus aureus. The longed name bacteria is a common form of Staph infection that can cause boils, pimples, abscesses and cellulitis. However what is more alarming is that the SA bit of the hospital infection MRSA stands for Staphylococcus aureus (the MR bit stands for methicillin resistant). This means that there is MRSA in the Chamber, the MPs have got MRSA, we're all going to die. PANIC.

Many thanks by the way to wikipedia for providing me with all the useful on Staphylococcus aureus.

It's Just Sh*te

I'm afraid I missed Rachel, Ellee, Caroline, Andy and Kerron with that crazy cat Iain Dale on the entertainment bonanza last night that is 18 Dullty Street, I had some paint to watch dry.

Turner Arrest Could Have Been Worse

Over the weekend, I had a hangover. But enough about me much more interesting was Tessa Jowell's comments over the arrest of Ruth Turner. Jowell described herself as being "slightly bewildered" as to why the arrest of Ms. Turner had to happen so early in the morning. Lance Price, former Downing Street wonk, said that the arrest looked "a bit theatrical". I agree for once with Jowell in that I too am slightly bewildered why the arrest was made that early (for the record Ms. Turner was arrested at 6.30 am on Friday morning). What would have been more interesting is if the arrest had been made at social hour during Friday say about 10am or maybe 3pm. The only trouble with this is that Ms. Turner would not have been Chez Turner. Therefore police would have had to make a call to her at work where she was. Imagine the scene as police enter No. 10 and then reappear a few minutes later and escort Ms. Turner into a car. Press and media having a field day. That would have been very theatrical compared to the "bit theatrical" arrest that actually took place. Cabinet members should keep their lips sealed because the next time Yate's boys come knocking they might not be so discreet about it.

Running Back To My Readers

It is important to remember that I am still a much wanted criminal. As a result of recent "pressure" by HM Constabulary, I have had to be in hiding for the last few weeks. However, yesterday the heat was turned down as attention turned to a bungalow in Hertfordshire where a great thinker of our nation is under investigation for being a racist. Whilst in hiding I have been unable to blog. I realise the distress that this has caused many readers and for that I apologise. I will make a full return on Monday, until then may I make a quick appeal. The other dayI was moving location and happened to be walking in front of the Houses of Parliament. A jogger ran past me. This jogger was wearing the shortest pair of shorts, where her underwear was visiblyfalling out. She also had an incredible amount of cellulite on her thighs. All in all it was not a pretty sight. Therefore if you are a jogger (in particular a jogger who runs pass me early in the morning) please cover up. Remember you are jogging because you are ugly and are trying to get beautiful. I am naturally very beautiful and don't need to jog. So joggers please don't expose the bare flesh of your ugliness upon the beautiful eyes of beautiful people like myself. Thank you.