Lord Lucan

Dale Arrogance Accusal

2007-03-28T14:28:00.000Z

From the blog of Iain Dale..."Guido writes what he likes and is beholden to no one apart from himself". Pot and kettle spring to mind.

The Deputy Leader Apprentice

2007-03-28T07:50:00.000Z

Tonight is Wednesday and there is no Party Animals all that appears to be watchable tonight is the cricket in the Sports but I fear that will be overtaken by the football (England 0 - Andorra 0). Then this morning whilst half awake listening to Today a trailer comes on for The Apprentice and cue the catchphrases; contestants saying "I'm driven, motivated and I know I can do this and I will destroy anyone who get's in my way". Sir Alan "You are a load of crap. You're fired". Annoying bloke in background "The Search for Sir Alan's Apprentice is on". Now having watched previous series and worried that the contestants really might be the best British industry has to offer I am going to give it a miss and watch tonight's goalless draw. However, an idea has occured to me. Once Gordon has realised his destiny and become leader then the search for his apprentice can begin. All the deputy leadership candidates can be divided into two teams and given snappy names such as Dynamo and Polynix. Each week Gordon sets the two teams a task. "Being my apprentice involves making the voters think we care, you're task is to get as many people to switch to voting Labour in 24 hours". Then at the end the teams are hauled into Number 10 where Gordon delivers the results...

GB: "Dynamo a disappointing result there you got nobody to switch. What went wrong..."

Peter Hain (for he is project leader): "Well..."

GB: "I don't care, you're sh*t. Polynix you to got nobody to switch. Anything to say?"

Hilary Benn (for he is the other project leader): "Yes. I think..."

GB: "I didn't think you had anything to say because you are just a load of retarded donkeys. Anyway Polynix you managed not to make anyone switch to voting Tory unlike Dynamo who actually made 16 people Tory. Therefore Polynix you win and as a treat you can have a mini sausage roll each. Now bugger off. Dynamo you stay here for one of you will be fired."

Polynix team bugger off.

GB: "So Dynamo who cost you this task?"

Dynamo (in unison): "Cruddas"

GB: "Hazel. You're ginger. You're a liability. You're not Scottish. You're female and you're surname sounds very much like Blair. Why shouldn't I fire you?"

Hazel Blears: "Sir Gordon if I could just point out..."

GB: "I don't care, I don't like you. Hazel...YOU'RE FIRED"

And so this process until one winner and deputy leader is chosen. Now that would be a proper deputy leadership contest.

Pimp My Blog

2007-03-23T11:28:00.000Z

My thanks to a source known as The Hairy Chest for drawing my attention to gizoogle. This marvellous search engine works just like google only when you click on the necessary link to the website it makes it all Gangsta. Therefore, you can now view Lord Lucan in gangsta speak as part of my outreach agenda into the inner cities. Just click on the link here, Mo Fo. Shizzle on ma whizzle.

S&S Quiz Night

2007-03-23T10:56:00.000Z

Last night saw the welcome return of Quiz Night in the Sports and Social Club. Defending champions featuring myself, Barry Beef, F*ck All, Pookie and a masked superstar were back to defend our title and due to a change in article 7.4 subparagraph 2 of the S&S Pub Quiz Rulebook were allowed to field an additional sixth player and went for the fluffy animal lover. In order to maintain our luck we had last time we sat at the same table as last time and kept the same team name "I wish this microphone was a penis" although that seemed to be abbreviated to "penis" by the authorities. Defending our title was not going to be easy and there were many more teams involved some of whom were armed with mobile phones and WAP and sure enough we lost our title and came a disappointing but perfectly respectable 8th place. This was a great number of places higher than a team by the name of "The Final Countdown" formed together by a crowd of drunken retrobates who are normally found in the Sports every night and a drafted in ringer by the name of Recess Monkey. They were almost as unsporting as we were by having twice the number of permitted players, taunting gestures at our team and generally being drunk and boisterous. However, after scoring 1/10 in the TV Police round they were destined to get the woooden spoon, although the wooden spoon turned out to be a toy bee with a fan on it. Revenge for the taunting we expericed from them during the quiz was dished out with songs and generally poor behaviour. However, a good night was had by fall and congratulations to Na-Na-Na for falling down the stairs this morning as a result of his hangover. Oh, and well done to Joe's Team for winning.

Call To Arms

2007-03-23T09:25:00.000Z

The 10 Downing Street Petitions' website is a marvellous thing. Even if the PM will ignore all of them, the idea that the plebs might be able to influence the dictator is a nice theoretical idea, if not a realistic one. I was emailed this morning to sign a petition which I do not agree with and decided to browse through what else I might want to sign and I came across this beauty started by a certain Rudolph Hucker...

"We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Introduce Compulsory Tattooing of a BarCode on each citizen's forehead"

A stroke of genius thinking if ever I saw one. Currently, including myself, there are 18 signatories but with your help dear readers we can make it more. We can make the road pricing petition of a few weeks ago seem like a mere drop in the ocean to the amount of signatories we can get. So let's do it, signing the petition couldn't be easier, just name, email, address. They email you, you click on a link and bingo bongo, you've signed. Click here for the link and let's do this.

Totty Watch

2007-03-23T08:44:00.000Z

So with Party Animals over I might not be able to show some photo's of top totty Shelley Conn (Ashika "I'm fit and and I'm Asian" Chandiramani) or Clemencey Burton-Hill (Sophie "Woo Hoo" Montgomerie). So for one final hurrah here's Shelley...And for what she does not have in acting ability she makes up for in being fit, I give you Clemencey...

Party Animals - The Party's Over

2007-03-23T08:17:00.000Z

My complete despair at Party Animals has lead me unable to write about it, so please welcome guest writer Ancient Geek with thier summary....

The final gripping episode began with a strangely muffled resume of shots from last week’s extravaganza, which may have been partly due to the fact that Nigel, my cat, had knocked the remote control off the arm of the settee and all the batteries fell out. Before we knew where we were, in fact, in less than the time it took for Scott to tell Danny to “go and stuff some envelopes”, Scott was doing some stuffing of his own. Poshmaterialised outside his hotel room door and they then established an all time world personal best record for getting one’s kit off. Better than Woody Allen in “Bananas” by several seconds. Scott has strangely white shoulders. Disturbingly (at least for my febrilemind) Scott and Posh talked about “hanging out”. Considering that at that moment everything literally WAS hanging out, I found it difficult to restrain the blandishments of the double entendre fairy thereafter, and when Scott said, “I want to see you properly” for some reason I found this sufficiently funny to make me snork into my glass of red wine.

Meanwhile, back in Westminster, Kirsty was still making haddock eyes at the chiselled Adrian (as we now discover he is called, or at least those of us who weren’t paying attention last week) whenever she spots him in the corridors of power. It’s not hard to spot him. You get plenty of advance warning, because his wonderfully improbable chin comes round the corner ten minutes before the rest of him. In another office, some anonymous Labour whippy type character was advising Danny to ditch Jo Porter with the immortal line “you don’t want to go down with her”. Nor ON her, breathed the double entendre fairy in my ear, sending another fine spray of Californian red over the now-recumbent Nigel.

Cut to a ghastly street in Sedley, with Labour supporters shutting the door on Posh. She would have been more successful with a stack of copies of "The Watchtower". Posh discussed the qualities of an ideal husband with the grim harridan who has been appointed her bodyguard. Posh chose honesty, while Grim Gloria chose having her husband not fart against her leg in bed. Ungrateful cow, he’s trying to warm you up! Anyway, that passes for entertainment in Sedley. By now, tears of mirth were beginning to form behind my specs.

There then followed a confusing (at least to me) mishmash. Kirsty said sorry to Danny for sleeping with Scott. Scott meanwhile was up in Sedley, with Barbie at his side, putting stripe after stripe of orange highlighter through lists of people (presumably those who would be first against a wall when the revolution comes?) and being asked by Barbie what he made of the new Mosque (a hat? A brooch?). Back at the Houses of Parliament, Mr Fat PervyOld Guard Tory was looking at the feelthy pictures of Posh and Mr Tory-Bastard engaging in a doorstep fumble of the type that David Seaman would have been proud to acknowledge, and wondering how to cause maximum damage with them to Mr Tory-Bastard. Considering they were about as erotic as a bowl of cold custard, he’s got a job on his hands – or not, as it turns out. The press are obviously easily shocked by pictures of fully clothed people administering pecks on the cheek.

Next morning, Kirsty is checking her email, and as predicted, there is one from Adrian, who must have somehow managed to get back into Burtons window in time to avoid turning into a pumpkin. But, instead of the expected “thanks for the shag, fancy a job?”, his email tells her that she’s already enjoyed the only challenging position he can offer her is one she's already experienced the night before. Undeterred, she seeks him out and tells him she didn't think much of his performance which apparently lasted three minutes (sounds quite impressive to me). Predictably, he takes it on the chin.

Scott and Posh are still engaged in post coital small talk, this time on a park bench. Gloria the Grim has noticed how they were at the disco. The finches come up again, in some highly symbolic dialogue which was frankly lost on me. It's all going to get rough in the last week, but Scott promises that he'll warn her if he's going to push her nuclear button. No change there then. Rumours aboud about Mr T-B shagging someone from the Spectator. Thankfully for the contents of my digestive system, it turns out NOT to be Boris Johnson. I don't know how they ever get the Spectator published on time. There must be a little guy in the basement churning them out on a duplicator while listening to muffled thuds and screams of ecstasy from locked offices, and dust falling in a fine rain from the ceiling.

Jo Porter's ex has told all to the papers, and Danny rescues her once again from the bottom of a bottle of scotch, takes her back to his place where Kirsty seems to be also living (I was losing it a bit at this point) and cooks them all a meal. They then argue over whether to watch Cry Freedom or Strictly Come Dancing. If Cry Freedom has Desmond Tutu in it, they could have had both. Who cares, anyway?

Predictably the feelthy photos of Posh arrive in the camp of Reg Buggins, just in time to coincide with the arrival of Danny, who leaks them to the press, as Scott is too wimpy to do it. Cue predictable face off in the alley between the two bros.

The press are baying for statements from Posh. The day of the count arrives. Buggins wins by 3 votes. The BNP save their deposit but the chicken only polls 383. Unwisely, Mr Tory-Bastard has scheduled a debate against Jo Porter before the resounding clang of shit hitting fan over his affair, and she develops the oratory of Pitt the Younger in a complete personality transplant while he's forced to sit there looking like someone who's rabbit has just died and he can't sell the hutch.

And that's it really. All over bar the sweeping up. Touching little scene at the end with the two brothers asking each other if they were "OK". I think we, the viewing public, already knew the answer to that one.

My thanks once again to Ancient Geek for his hard work and to Hamer Shawcross for forwarding the work to me.

The Party's Over

2007-03-22T08:23:00.000Z

Am I the only one who after sticking with Party Animals throughout the season feels a hugely disappointing an empty void and the thought of what the heck was that? More to follow when I have the strength.

Gwierdo Nails It

2007-03-15T10:56:00.000Z

Following yesterday's post about Iain Dale and his troubles with his dildo writing nasty comments those great folks at Gwierdo have put together this absolute beauty, even if it is a little disturbing...
And remember, if you have anything as brilliant as this that you want to let Lord Lucan know you can always leave a comment (you can even call yourself Lord Lucan's Dildo) or you can email me at thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk

Party Animals - Crush Pineapple Shake The Tree

2007-03-15T08:18:00.000Z

I really really cannot describe how poor last night's episode was. Let's put it like this having got home I got the ironing out and thought watching Party Animals and doing ironing would be nice and I won't want a drink, then at 9.50 I was running for the pub this was so bad. I really can't be bothered to do a full rundown of the plot (if you could call it that) so I will briefly run through what happened to each character...

Ashika "I'm fit and I'm Asian" Chandiramani...In the by-election race things are getting bitchy by both Ashika and Scott. Ashika also gets sticks of rock made with her name on it. They shock of horrors, Fancy a Shag has tracked down her father and got a less than flattering quote. So what do you do when somebody has screwed you over and got your family involve? That's right, you have sex with them and they then attempt to do it in a school classroom before going to do it properly in bed. However, things are about to get complicted...

Scott "Fancy a Shag" Foster...Scott having screwed Ashika's campaign then decides to screw Ashika herself. However, Fancy a Shag is not all testosterone oh no. He has a softer side and decides that he really rather likes I'm Fit and I'm Asian and asks her if they could live happily ever as boyfriend and girlfriend. Ashika though is a very confused girl what with the campaign, Fancy a Shag and having to rush down to London to have an urgent triste with...

James "I've got a Massive Knob" Northcote...Poor old James he wanders around the whole episode like a lost wet sponge without Ashika and eventually demands she comes to London as he really needs to see him. Only to declare his undying love for Ashika and propose to her. Ashika though tells him to f*ck off and then gives him a long hug (just a hug) on his doorstep which is snapped by a pepperami photographer and leaked to George "Kill The Bastards" Morgan. Although what happens there we will have to see.

Matt "Hello Boys" Baker...Hello Boys wanders around being gay and not helping the storyline at all.

Jo "I'll Grill Your Testicles" Porter...Elsewhere, Jo is on a downward spiral she clearly is an alcoholic and her husband leaves her for the nanny. All this happens while she is planning a shock resignation over a furore the Human Rights Act which will ruin the PM and the Chancellor forcing a leadership contest. However, she gets hammered in St Stephen's Tavern and tells it to the world ahead of time. Her carreer is spiaraling out of control.

Danny "You Know I'm Actually Kerron Cross" Foster...Ever loyal Kerron, sorry Danny is right by I'll Grill Your Testicles' side. Furthermore, Why Do I Exist wants to borrow his house to have a dinner party for a group she's doing a skydive with. The really odd thing about this is that one of the skydiver's (let's call him Yah!) starts doing cocaine on Danny's coffee table without even asking if he minded. Manners, they just don't happen anymore.

Kirsty "Why Do I Exist" Mackenzie...Kirsty has an alterior motive f0r this dinner. Yah! has a job going which Kirsty wants. However, Yah! reveals to Danny that he plans to shag her to give her the job. Kirsty seems absolutely fine with that though Danny is appaled and storms off. Kirsty is sad. The sexual chemistry is so strong between these two that something is destined to happen.

Sophie "Woo Hoo" Montgomery...Woo Hoo gets called a little bitch but doesn't appear in the show. Shame.

Remember next Wednesday is the explosive final episode. What will happy to the photos? Who will I'm fit and I'm Asian spend the rest of her life with and will she win the by-election. What will happen to I'll grill your testicles' carreer? Will You know I'm Actually Kerron Cross and Why do I exist actually get it on? Will Woo Hoo make another appearance? Does anyone care?

Dale and His Dildo

2007-03-14T17:12:00.000Z

Poor old Iain Dale, so big is his ego and so low is his popularity has resulted in him having to put comment registration on due to the massive number of abusive comments as he says "I'm just not prepared to allow comments from people who call themselves IAIN DALE'S DILDO." Is it just me or is that funny?

Turkeys Don't Vote For Christmas

2007-03-14T17:04:00.000Z

The Peers in the House of Lords are p*ssing all over Jack Straw's House of Lords Reform and by absolutely massive majorities. Lord Lucan is off to toast those wise men and women. Latest vote on 80% elected 20% appointed has just come in as 336 to 114 respectively. The all appointed vote won by 361 votes to 121. KEEP AN ALL APPOINTED HOUSE!!!

Cricket News

2007-03-14T13:43:00.000Z

Well what a thouroughly enjoyable match yesterday and wonderful news for my fantasy team with Dwayne Bravo getting three wickets, one catch and 16 runs at a strike rate of 94.1% thus earning Lucan 27 points. Today the players to watch from the Scotland/Australia game are Brad Hodge and the main man Adam Gilchrist who is already earning me points with only a few overs gone. Also if you are watching the cricket and wish that you could be there playing shots to the boundary those fantastic guys at stick cricket have delveloped a super Super 8 game where you can live the dream. They've even managed to put in left-handed players, although there picture on Monty Panesar isn't quite accurate. Right, in-tray under control feet up and watch cricket.

Trident - Nuclear or Unclear?

2007-03-14T13:11:00.000Z

The observant staff in Westminster may have noticed that there has been a bit of a whisper going around about Trident. No, not the weapon of choice by Neptune but the British Nuclear facility and whether we should renew it at slightly large cost. Some say yes and some say no and know I am going to throw my 2 cents into the hat. British nuclear facility was an essential over the Cold War, now that that is over the threat from the USSR does not exist and one would think that we therefore have no cause for Trident and that we should help lead the way on global nuclear disarmament. However, the end of the Cold War has marked a new dawn. Nuclear Terrorism is not a myth it is fact and terrorist with the necessary know how get hold of nuclear weapon. Furthermore states such as Iran, who have wished for the elimination of Israel and expressed a hatred for the West are developing nuclear capabilities. Iran says it is for nuclear power but there is a genuine global concern that this will be developed into weapons. North Korea, another country who threatens the liberties that the West stands for, is also in the process of nuclear weapon development. Britain, through its special relationship with the USA and involvement in Iraq whatever the rights or wrongs of that may be, is a prime target for those who wish to destroy Western Ideals. These ideals; liberal democracy, freedom of speech, the rule of law and popular sovereignty, are ideals which all major political parties attempt to defend and therefore any threat to these ideals must be taken seriously. When countries who threaten have nuclear capabilities we need to have nuclear capability to act as a deterrent and as a form of attack (although this I think we all agree this God-willing should never ever happen). Nuclear disarmament is happening slowly, far to slowly, and Britain is leading the way on this but while the nuclear threat exists we need to be a nuclear power. So when the Trident vote comes down to the Lords, Lord Lucan will walk down the content lobby for Trident.

Lord Lucan Awards - Best Blog

2007-03-13T15:53:00.000Z

The award for best blog was a tricky one to decide. There is a lot of good stuff out there (incidently there is also a lot of sh*t). However, the winner has a well established blog which updates regularly and on the whole provides interesting reading. The political views expressed I don't always agree with but it provides a balance in opinion. The mixture of the light hearted stories, the serious rants, the personal and the updates of what the latest things to break in Portcullis House are whitty and well written. I also had the delight of meeting the man behind the blog the other day and may I say he seemed decent bloke. The winner of the Lord Lucan Award for Best Blog 2007 goes to...

Kerron Cross

A Cracking Story

2007-03-13T15:34:00.000Z

News reaches me from top source Pookie of an unfortunate situation with the Margret Thatcher statue in Members' Lobby. The sculptors had not made her skirt hollow. This means that when the security teams do their daily search after the Visitor Route has closed they have to use their torch and mirrors to look up her skirt to check for explosives. A sight which I have not yet actually seen but pictured in my mind and it is very funny. However, after the reaction by some Tories at the incorrect reporting of her death on Recess Monkey I imagine there are a fair few who would happily look up her skirt. One just wonders what type of panties the old bird is wearing or is she maybe commando. Sorry if you're reading this whilst eating.

Mask Up For Cricket

2007-03-13T15:16:00.000Z

This site for the next few weeks this site may well be devoted to cricket. Am currently watching the Windies/Pakistan match waiting for the mighty Dwayne Bravo to score lots of points in my I Don't Like Cricket, I Love It XI fantasy team. Also today in preparation for England's debut match on Thursday I made my Monty mask. You too can do the same thanks to those brilliant chaps at the BBC and if for some unknown reason you are not a fan of the turbanator Mr. Panesar there a wide selection of other masks to make. As I am such a nice chap I will even link them up for you...Monty Mask, Freddie Mask, Brian Lara Mask, KP Mask, Murali Mask, Tendulkar Mask, Vaughany Mask, Hoggy Mask, Warney Mask (requires very wide printer). Enjoy!!

Cricket World Cup

2007-03-12T14:29:00.000Z

Lord Lucan is an expert on football. FACT. There is nothing he doesn't know about this game full of girls who are overpaid and with a serious attitude problem. Lord Lucan can tell you everything you need to know about this sport. What do you need to know? Nothing, it is a rubbish sport which is dull and overhyped. Hence if you need to know nothing Lord Lucan will tell you everything you need to know. Cricket on the other hand is very worthwhile and Lord Lucan is now very excited on the eve of the Cricket World Cup. The England shirt is washed and ready for wearing in the cupboard and the beer ready to pass my lips. Having just read the marvelous who to look out for at the World Cup by Barry Beef. I am now about to explode with excitment. I have also entered a Fantasy Team at Cricket Web and if you click here you too can enter the fun. Anyhow, here is my line up. Remember there are budget contraints...

5 Batsmen...

Graeme Smith

Brad Hodge

Michael Vaughan

Marvan Atapattu

Kevin Pietersen

Wicketkeeper...

Adam Gilchrist (captain)

2 All Rounders...

Dwayne Bravo

Paul Collingwood

3 Bowlers...

Makhaya Ntini

Dwayne Leverock (he's 21st from Bermuda, he will rock)

Monty Panesar

Lord Lucan Awards - Best New Blog

2007-03-12T10:04:00.000Z

The winner of the best new blog goes to a blog which is new and is good. Stating the obvious there. The winning blog has provided me with much entertainment with the author's rants on some of the characters around parliament and gives a proper intsight into the reality of the life of a bag carrier. A shared stance on the opinion of Iain Dale has swayed my opinioin in awarding the award to this blog and coverage over the last six weeks of Party Animals has been extremely amusing. Unlike myself, who might have off days (such as Friday where I had a slightly sore head) or won't update for a week because work gets in the way this blog gets updated regularly and with lengthy articles that one can enjoy while drinking their morning coffee. The winner of the Lord Lucan Award for Best New Blog 2007 goes to...

Hamer Shawcross

Lord Lucan Awards - Best Bag Carrier

2007-03-08T11:03:00.000Z

And so the bandwagon of the Lord Lucan Awards moves onto the Best Bag Carrier Category. This award goes to somebody who meets a number of criteria. Firstly this person is a S&S regular and has not done anything stupid which relates to drinking (like giving up beer for lent). Secondly they have got to be a decent bloke who is prepared to have a laugh at their expense. Committment to work is not an essential as frankly most Bag Carriers don't do much in the first place. The winner of this category has only been in Parliament for a short while but has become a regular in the Sports, almost a daily basis, a top chap who doesn't wander about with his head up his arse and deserves a massive pay rise. The winner of the Lord Lucan Award for Best Bag Carrier and this slap this award on his CV is from the office of Alan Keen MP...

Mr. Will Hardy

The Flying Teacups

2007-03-08T09:54:00.000Z

Lord Lucan hears news of a meeting between senior Labour figures inculuding a couple of senior cabinet figures took place yesterday. The subject or the themes discussed are unknown but what is known is that the MP holding the meeting asked his dear bag-carrier to go and make some teas and coffees for the distingushed guests. The blessed induvidual dutifully went and made the beverages and then proceeded to load them all on tray to be bring into his boss' office. Managing the door was no problem for this experienced induvidual as he marched confiedently into the office with a nice straight back and sincere look on his face. However, evil lurked in the form of a telephone wire on the floor and this troopers foot got tangled. Gravity did the rest and brought the researcher down to the ground. Up went this tray of tea and coffee before landing in a massive heap on the floor. Oh the embarassment as cabinet members and senior party figures look on at the sheer clumsiness of this man. The boss sighs at the sheer incompetance that someone can't carry a tray and says "Remind me, when are you planning to leave?"

Party Animals - Executive Summary

2007-03-08T08:58:00.000Z

Having just seen the last article I realise that it is quite long. However, in a slightly sad Danny "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" Foster way, I wrote some brief notes after last night's episode to remind me what had happened when I came to writing this morning's review. So here is what I wrote which summaries very briefly what happened in Party Animals Episode 6...

Missed 1st 10mins - Having life

Ashika by elections - Goes into Gay Bar - CLEVER!

Kirsty stalker - SCARY!

Sexual Chemistry between Danny & Kirsty - brief 2 seconds one thinks something might happen.

Scott goes f*ck off to Ashika and agrees to spin Labour campaign.

Scott & Danny attempt to shag and then dance to 80s music

THAT'S IT!

Oh, "Woo Hoo" appeared but not sure why.

Party Animals - They'll Cry If They Want To

2007-03-08T08:23:00.000Z

Yet again it was Wednesday night last night which meant Party Animals. I missed the first 10 minutes as I was necking a large G&T after the Lords Reform vote (but I'll save that rant for later). Still my loss of those precious 10 minutes didn't destroy the viewing 'pleasure' that was Party Animals (in fact it probably increased it). Last week I missed the show completely as I was having a life. Anyway in tonight's episode we see Ashika "I'm fit and I'm asian" Chandiramani campaigning in the by-election and and Matt "Hello Boys" Baker came to visit and whisked her into a gay bar. Smart move that being a prospective Tory candidate and wandering into gay bars show's a real insight into the reality of the scriptwriters. Meanwhile back in London things take a sinister twist when Kirsty "Why do I exist" Mackenzie has a stalker. Fortuantely a brave knight in shining armour steps forward to guard and protect her. Unfortunatly this brave knight takes the form of Danny "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" Foster. "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" yet again wanders around like a lovesick puppy with his tongue hanging at "Why do I exist". For a fleeting moment you think that there might be romance when "Why do I exist" confides in Scott "Fancy A Shag" Foster that she quite likes "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" but then it all fizzles out. "Fancy A Shag" was called in by the sturggling Labour party in the by-election which "I'm fit and I'm Asian" is standing. "Fancy a Shag" goes to "I'm fit and I'm Asian" and some form of dialogue occured although precisely what I'm not sure. "Fancy a Shag" then says f*ck off to "I'm fit and I'm Asian" to go and help the Labour campaign. "Fancy a Shag" then returns to London and finds his brother, "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross", fast asleep in bed and seems to attempt to rape him before telling him that he is helping the Labour campaign and they dance round the room listening to 80s music. Doesn't every researcher do that? Sophie "WooHoo" Montgomerie made a couple of brief appearances although I was too busy thinking what sort of noise she makes in bed to listen to what she was actually saying.

Oh, and "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" told his boss, MP Jo "I'll grill your testicles" Porter that she had a drink problem. However, what this had to do with the storyline, I've no idea. In fact, I have no idea what anything had to do with the storyline or even what the storyline was. Yet again, this was poor, poor, poor but strangely compelling.

Lord Lucan Awards - Best Peer

2007-03-07T10:57:00.000Z

This award is the first Lord Lucan Award to be awarded posthumously (admitably it is only the second Lord Lucan Award to be awarded but there goes). The winner of this award was a former Cheif Whip before being shafted by Blair and his cronies in a bid for absolute control during a reshuffle. After being consigned to the backbenches he took his roll in parliament very seriously and was seen in his office working away almost every single day, which bearing in mind there are certain Peers who probably don't even know where the Chamber is makes this quite an achievement. However, he was always polite to staff and an instantly recognisable face that was as much a part of the House of Lords as the afternoon nap. Sadly, illness started to affect him towards the end of last year and just before Christmas he passed away. The tributes lead by Baroness Amos after his death in Chamber saw a number of Peers in tears, such was his popularity. The Lord Lucan Award for Best Peer 2007 goes to...

Lord Carter of Devizes

Tuesday Afternoon Play (Contains Strong Language)

2007-03-06T13:04:00.000Z

A telephone rings at the BBC News 24 late on Sunday Night....

Woman on Phone (for it is her): BBC News 24

Iain Dale (for it is him): Mmmh muffle soh fah ta

WoP: Pardon

ID: Oh sorry, I had my head up my arse.Hello, Iain Dale here. I'm sure you've heard of me. I run a blog and and a really good internet TV show. Everyone loves me and depends on my everyword. I'm sure you've heard of me.

WoP: er, no. Can I help you.

ID: Well yes. I've just read on a blog which is as it is a blog must be right which is run by a friend who knows me, although everyone knows me, who says Margaret Thatcher, who also knows me, is dead. Can you confirm? Only I must know so that I can dress all in black and beat my chest whilst wailing greatly.

WoP (in a slightly sarcastic tone): Really? Just hold the line and I'll check.

Iain Dale is put on phone to the sounds of the Grange Hill theme tune.

WoP (to colleagues at BBC News 24 newsdesk): Listen to this I've got some nutjob called Dale on the phone who thinks Maggies dead because he has read it on a blog and hasn't seen the news anywhere else so assumes it must be true

BBC News 24 newsdesk team all laugh greatly

BBC News 24 Worker (for it is they): What a t*at and why is he ringing us if it is true we'll tell him on the TV along with everyone else. What makes him thinks that because he phones us he'll get preferential treatment.

WoP: He keeps saying everyone knows him, so I guess his over inflated ego meant that he thought he could get preferred treatment.

BBC News 24 Newsdesk Team (in unison): T*AT

Another BBC News 24 Worker: Egotistical Moron. Leave him on hold for half and hour and change the hold music to Songs of Praise and let him run up a massive phone bill.

BBC Newsdesk Team carry on with work, some go for a cigarette break. Occasional chuckles emerge as various workers look at phone with Dale on hold. After 45 minutes Woman on Phone pick up phone.

WoP: Hello

ID: Hello, Iain Dale here. Read my blog it's really good and I'm great on 18 Dullty Street.

WoP: Yeah whatever. Anyway stop being a stupid moron of course she's not dead don't you think we would have broadcast it if it were true. Now fu*k off and stop pestering us and from now on get your news from credible sources you t*wat.

Woman on Phone slams phone down

THE END

Lord Lucan Awards - Best MP

2007-03-06T10:20:00.000Z

The first in a series of awards that were announced yesterday and will be awarded over the next few days. First up is the award for best MP. This was a tricky category from which to choose a winner as MPs continually to fail to do anything worthwhile. However, the winner of this award has done not a great deal and her ministerial role in the department of health has not been spectacular although she has managed to not to screw up completely unlike her boss as certain Ms. Hewitt. Where she wins this award is in the fact that in the dullness of bald/grey politicians she shines forth with her beauty and is very fit. Lord Lucan is proud to announce the winner of the Lord Lucan Award for Best MP in 2007 goes to...

Minister for Fitness, Caroline Flint

La Marchande du Lait Est Mort

2007-03-06T08:47:00.000Z

Apart from finding the accidental publishing by Recess Monkey of Maggies death extremely funny. Yes funny because of the upset by the Cameron Youth that it has caused. I mean seriously some people are acting like their Mother had died. I just had a thought of how some good can come of this. The Nobel Prizes (you know Physics, Chemistry, Literature, Peace etc) are named after the professor Alfred Nobel who came up with the idea. Nobel was actually not exactly a saint he invented dynamite which became the weapon of choice at the time and killed many. After a French newspaper accidently published a premature obituary for him which stated "Le marchand de la mort est mort " (The Merchant of Death is Dead). Reading this obituary Nobel was so mortified of his previous doings he tried to leave a legacy for the good of the world and hence the world famous prizes came about. Who knows because of the accidental obituary of Maggie that Mr. Monkey published over the weekend in a few years time we may hear the words, "The Thatcher Award for Milk Production Goes To..." or "The Thatcher Award for Outstanding Contribution to the Mining Industry Goes To..." or "The Thather Award for Economic Stability Goes To..." or "The Thatcher Award...." (That's Enough. Ed)

What's The Story? - Part 2

2007-03-06T08:15:00.000Z

Following yesterday's story (click here)....F*cked that one up then!! Still wasn't like giving advance notice of Maggie's death. Well done Mr. Monkey, although frankly worth it for the humerous comments from certain branches of the Cameron Youth, sorry Conservative Future, getting all high horsey. Anyway, the Met tightens the net on Levy it can surely be only a matter of time.

What's The Story?

2007-03-05T16:57:00.000Z

Apologies for not posting last week this was due to other commitments (eg work) but hopefully the in-tray has shrunk in size a bit and I hope to be blogging a bit more consistently. Anyway, over the weekend the BBC was banned from releasing a story on the Cash for Honours affair. There seems to be a bit of a mystery as to who leaked it, although one suspects number 10. However, the injunction placed on the story means that this was a big piece of this very large jigsaw puzzle. There was an injunction on the second arrest of Levy and Lucan who has been very good on his predictions on this suspects (and for libel purposes here this is purely a guess and he has no concrete evidence to prove in fact he doesn't even have some weak evidence to support this theory) that Blair might have been questioned under caution but he will wait and see. The truth will out.

In other news, Lord Lucan is announcing the Lord Lucan Awards. These are a collection of political/blogging awards that will be for the people by the aristocracy. Over the next few days the awards will be announced. So watch this space.

Karaoke Update

2007-02-22T16:42:00.000Z

Tragic news, Gutbuster has no balls...
Karaoke still on though from 7.30pm in the S&S, you know you love it.

BBC Doesn't Sterotype

2007-02-22T16:27:00.001Z

Nearly p*ssed myself laughing when browsing the party animals website and finding this non-sterotypical statement made about Tory Researchers (see highlighted bit). Is it a fair and balanced comment, I wouldn't like to make a judgement...

Click here for link

Karaoke Night

2007-02-22T09:06:00.000Z

The tuneful sounds of karaoke descend on the Sports and Social Club again tonight starting at 7.30 and the rematch of one of the bitterest grudgematches. Yes it's Recess Monkey V Gutbuster. The Monkey has promised to arrive in good time so that he can get his song in and Gutbuster has not been seen for a few days so is assumed to be in training. Let battle commence. Lord Lucan hopes to be belting one out as well.

STOP PRESS

2007-02-22T08:59:00.000Z

Michael Meacher to stand for Labour Party Leadership. More to follow.

Party Animals - The Fun Continues

2007-02-22T08:19:00.000Z

Party Animals again last night and Lord Lucan decided to work late and watch it in the office and thank God he did. Why? At least when the programme got so despairingly bad one could turn to European Agriculture and alike to keep the pain away. The Russian mafia seemed not to have learnt from Neil Hamilton and Mohammed Fuggin' Al-Fayed and atttempted to get questions asked in the most seedy of manners. Danny "You know I'm actually Kerron Cross" Foster wandered around like a lovesick puppy winging and whining. The political story was on drugs but somehow nobody seemed to know why this existed although Scott "Fancy a Shag" Foster seemed to have more cocaine about than Columbia. Cocaine snorting was neverending thanks to Fancy a Shag's neverending supply of charlie and yet again we see how everyone in Westminster is on the stuff. Don't you know that they have cocaine sachets next to the sugar sachets in The Debate and Terrace Cafeteria? Fancy a Shag did indeed fancy a shag in last nights episode and stuck one up Kirsty "Why do I exist" Mackenzie whom You know I'm actually Kerron Cross fancied enormously and couldn't have sex with anyone else because of that.

Meanwhile in Tory camp Ashika "I'm fit and I'm Asian" Chandiramani got selected in some byelectioned constituency and had a bit of a lovers tiff with James "I've got a massive nob" Nothcote and that was it.

There was one genius line although I have forgotten it but that was it. Another appaling yet compulsive episode down. Maybe next week we discover that all bag carriers have a mass orgy in the Portcullis House atrium on Friday afternoons in the knowledge that the MPs are at their constituencies. Sadly no sight of journalist Sophie "WooHoo" Montgomery who by what she fails to do in terms of helpfulness to a storyline and acting ability makes up for in being fit, therefore here is a piccy of her...

The Light's On But Nobody's Home

2007-02-21T09:53:00.000Z

It seems that stupidy has affected not just the House of Commons Refreshment Department (see here) but also the House of Lords as well. I'm sure you my well educated readers have heard phrases as "She's about as much use as a chocolate teapot", or "He's about as much use as a pork pie in a synagogue" and of course "That's about as much use as a solar power torched". Naturally a solar powered is not very useful as one would assume you want to use it when it is dark and therefore there would be no light to power it. So when searching the House of Lords Gift Shop lift for a suitable present for my new godson (yes Lord Lucan has become a goddaddy for the first time) imagine my surprise to see on the list "solar powered torch NEW...£19.95". Don't believe me here it is...The link for the Lord's gift shop price list is here (only works in Parliament). I can't think anyone would be stupid enough to buy this let alone at £19.95, far better off getting a maglite. Solar powered torch, I despair.

Terrace Turkeys

2007-02-21T09:34:00.000Z

Being a busy Peer, Lord Lucan was unable to blog yesterday afternoon due to meetings and what have you. However, he did manage to pop down to the Terrace Cafeteria yesterday lunchtime to enjoy a couple of pancakes with maple syrup preceeded by a rather tasty beef stroganoff. However, I was rather alarmed to see on the menu and indeed on the counter seared Norfolk turkey escalope. Norfolk turkey are they trying to kill us. The media has made everyone turn into jibbering wrecks over the non-scary bird flu and then the Terrace Cafeteria go serving Norfolk turkey madness. Mind you, I bet they got them cheap from some dodgy food supplier "Ere got a bit of Norfolk turkey, bit of bird flu but hey you aint gonna eat it". Pictured above is the turkeys being got ready to send to the Terrace Cafeteria. I have to admit it wasn't very popular unlike the pancakes which were very tasty.

The Ego Grows

2007-02-20T08:27:00.000Z

The ego of Iain Dale is unbelievable. He has slapped an ad on message space for his pisspoor blogger TV, 18 Dullty Street (Politics for people who need to get out more). No harm in that I suppose but to have a fictional conversation between Sue and Bob where Bob, having sadly missed 18 Dullty Street because he had a life, adds "I heard Iain Dale was great though". Un-bloody-believable, the self-righteous nihilist. In other news a new door has had to be ordered for 18 Dullty Street which is wider at the top than the bottom to fit the great egos' head through it.

Dan the Man

2007-02-19T10:43:00.000Z

Lord Lucan is not a member of the Labour Party thankfully but has been drawn to the fact that Daniel Carden is standing for Youth Officer to the NEC. Here is the link to his website. He bangs on about trade unions, up the workers, down the fat cats and viva la revolution and all that mumbo-jumbo. However, young Dan who apart from being the poshest scouser I have ever heard also has been called Lord Lucan's little bro and therefore in a spirit of keeping it in the family Lord Lucan along with Amicus, the T&G and TSSA is backing Dan, he is after all an excedingly handsome chap. So come on Dan the Man.
Many thanks to Barry's Beef for informing me of Dan's standing.

It's Them and US

2007-02-19T10:02:00.000Z

Back from my break and what a disappointment as illness kicks in and lemsip makes money out of me. Anyway I'm back now and in good health.

I was on a train last night which for no apparent reason did the bit from Woking to London Waterloo via Staines. Fortunately I had the latest issue of Private Eye which had an intresting piece on the cash for peerages scandal and one immediate consequence regarding the USA.

The basics are that the USA has a cushy little deal with most Western states that if you have had no record with the police you do not have to apply for a visa or deal with complex paperwork to visit the so called land of the free. However, when it refers to record with the police doesn't mean a criminal record. If you have been arrested and not charged you do kiss sweet good-bye to a paperwork-free visit to America. Therefore were Des Smith (he who was right royally shafted), Ruthie Turner or Lord Levy to feel like a holiday or a place of refuge from Yates in the home of McDonalds and fat people then they would have to go through an excedingly lengthy process. What a bugger eh?

It's Recess!!

2007-02-12T17:03:00.000Z

Lord Lucan has gone on holiday. Have fun all and I will be back next week.

World Record Letter

2007-02-12T12:07:00.000Z

Here for your delight is the letter which I have just sent to Guinness World Records regarding the bacon fry...

The Lord Lucan

thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk

www.thelordlucan.blogspot.com

Records Management Team

Guinness World Records Limited

3rd Floor

184-192 Drummond Street

London

NW1 3HP

Dear Sir/Madam,

Whilst enjoying a drink with friends in a small bar in London the decision was taken to have some Smiths Bacon Fries. Imagine our surprise then when we found what I believe to the World’s Largest Bacon Fry in our randomly chosen packet. I have been on your website and done a wider search on the internet and can’t find any existing record for the World’s Largest Bacon Fry. Therefore I believe we hold the record for the World’s Largest Bacon Fry.

I have attached a number of photos of the Bacon Fry including one showing its size by comparing it to a 50p piece. I have used my A-Level in mathematics to calculate that since the height of a 50p piece is 2.5cm therefore the bacon fry is 3.5x7.5cm, which I am sure you will agree is quite a phenomenal size for a bacon fry. Sadly I am unable to send you the bacon fry as my frugal friends felt that food shouldn’t go to waste and promptly ate it. Although they did say it wasn’t very nice.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I am of no fixed abode at the moment. However, I am online. Therefore I would be wondering if you could be kind enough to confirm whether I do indeed hold the record by emailing me, my address is thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk.

I look forward to hearing from you and in the meantime I will continue to endeavour to find peculiar food products in public houses.

Kindest Regards,

The Lord Lucan

The Bacon Fry

2007-02-12T11:01:00.000Z

Sometimes something so odd happens whilst in the Sports and Social that you have to let the world know. Remember this man...He has now left this fine established from the shock of one of the worlds largest pork scratchings. However, the last wek things took a turn for the scarier when the most enormous bacon fry was discovered in the Sports and Socail Club. Here it is in its wrapping still untouched... Next to get size comparison here it is next to a 50p piece.And here is is in all it's glory...After much discussion of whether to a) Return to manufacturer and demand a refund. b) Send it to the Guinness Book of World Records or c) eat it, option c was the winning idea. Two brave souls tried it and descirbed itas soggy and quite minging here is one of the brave tasters tucking in. Mmm, yum yum...
Searches on the Guinness World Record website as well as a google search couldn't yield a current existing record for the world's largest bacon fry. Lord Lucan is now going to write them a letter with attached photo to see if this really was the world's largest bacon fry.

Dave Puffs The Magic Stuff

2007-02-12T10:41:00.000Z

So it seems that Dave was on the wacky baccy whilst at Eton. Along with most MPs from all sides I do declare "so what". This is something that we have got to get more used to from our MPs and politicians. Drug use in schools started to become more common in David Cameron's schooldays and has never showed any signs that this will stop being the case. I'm not saying that every kid who went to school since the 1970s has taken drugs, I didn't and I know many people who didn't too. However, I also know of a lot more people who took did experiment with cannabis whilst at school. A young spotty teenager is not going to think as they are offered their first spliff "Oh no I mustn't because this will backfire when I am leader of the opposition". A result of this is that we can expect a lot more of our MPs and future MPs to have experimented with drugs in their past. I expect a handful to make similar statements on the back of Dave. However, our next generation of MPs will have even more former drug users and we have many a repeat of what happened this weekend. What is important is that they haven't taken drugs in their public life and that they aren't proud of what they have done.

Party Animals and Reggae Reggae Sauce

2007-02-08T08:39:00.000Z

The prospect of watching England get beat in a game which I am widley considered a world expert on was just too delicious to make me go home and watch something else last night. Party Animals (which I had missed the first episode of) preceeded by the new series Dragons Den was on the menu. I was going to give you my two cents on Party Animals as everyone else has (see here, here, and for the best review here) but then there was something on Dragons Den which I want to share.

Pictured above is Levi Roots of Reggae Reggae Sauce. This man is a legend (although his real name is Kevin) anyone who starts a business pitch for £50,000 with reggae serenade, completely has no idea of his figures but wins investment is a good man in my books. He was selling his reggae reggae sauce (so could he named it twice) which is a jerk sauce for chicken and burgers and contains erbs, spices and tings and has its own song. Virgin Radio this morning had an interview with him and he was one of the most geniune and amusing men I've heard. Reggae Reggae Sauce is quite hard to come across particularly at the moment because supply can't reach demand but do check out the Reggae Reggae Sauce website here and put some music in your food. I also as a consequence have the Reggae Reggae Sauce song stuck in my head.

Moving onto Party Animals and seriously how bad is this? Danny is one of the most annoying people going. The script was poor. The old school Tories were just to unrealistic for belief. One ammusing bit was when Danny met his MP in the morning and she dumped three bags on him to carry, living up to the bag carrier reputation. Unless something good happened during the five minutes I went for dump this show was poor. However, it is one of those programmes which is so bad it is compulsive viewing. Hotel Babylon was in this category too and I was delighted to see that the second series of that is about to hit our screens.

It's Your Lucky Day

2007-02-08T08:26:00.000Z

So having got into work three hours late because the country can't cope when a little bit of snow has fallen out of the sky, despite having known that it would be here for four days, find that somebody nice has sent you a parcel. In the hope it is a box of chocolates or the amazon order you placed on Monday you open it. BANG. Bugger me, it's a parcel bomb. You're rushed to hospital where the bloke next to you has a bit of sniffle. However, he has been working for Bernard Matthews and doctors think he might have bird flu. As a result of reading the papers and watching the news the bird flu man scares you into thinking you might turn into a phesant. Should have stayed at home really.

Bird Flu Hits Bernard Matthews

2007-02-05T12:45:00.000Z

Yes, the worlds most unscary virus has hit the boootiful turkeys of Bernard Matthews. I would estimate that 65% of airtime on BBC News 24 is currently being devoted to the loss of 160,000 birds. I have discovered I can still eat turkey, I won't catch the virus and I am not going to die. However, I am not allowed to visit a small corner of Norfolk. Well that has ruined everthing! However, we can all be OK if we follow that gem of advice the DEFRA Minister Ben Bradshaw gave almost exactly a year ago:

"For the most impact on trying to prevent mutation, or reassortment, we need to get a handle on the outbreaks in south-east Asia and other countries. In Turkey, as he will know, there are some small back-yard flocks where people actually sleep with their birds and have very intimate contact with them. As far as I am aware, that does not happen in this country. " (Hanard link here)

So no shagging birds please everyone. Although I should stress when I say birds I mean the feathered variety, not the human type. However, don't shag the human type if they don't let you or if they betrothed to somebody else. Am I starting to digress here from the subject of bird flu, I think so. Basically you're not going to get bird flu, you are not going to die, you can have that Bernard Matthews' turkey sandwich you made for lunch (in fact there is hardly any turkey in that anyway) and I would be very grateful if the Beeb would stop clucking about (had to get that pun in) and cover some proper news.

++Sith To Be Investigated++

2007-02-01T14:29:00.000Z

The Charity Commission has just announced it is launching an formal inquiry into the actions of the Smith Institute for breaching rules of being a non-political charity. Blair questioned, Sith investigated. It must be Guido's dream day.

Lord Lucan has also beaten Guido to reporting this.

Lucan Predicted Blair Questioning

2007-02-01T11:38:00.000Z

Last Friday I predicted that the cash for honours enquiry would take a dramatic turn on that day. I was staying quiet that initially my prediction was not on the same level as Nostradamus and seemed to have been wrong. However, I was right! For on that Friday our beloved PM was questioned for a second time, only the police had asked for press blackout which was only lifted today. Now we know why there is a policeman outside No. 10. The met is closing the net on the corruption of this shambolic government, the only question is who will be the fall guy/girl. I can't see Blair taking the fall but Levy might just be starting to sweat a bit. I might try the lottery this weekend either that or do astrology for The Sun. Mystic Meg is losing it, make way for Lord Lucan.

Pub Encourages Sex

2007-01-29T16:17:00.000Z

As is customary, on Friday I went for a couple of drinks. However, the trappings of alcohol got the better of me and I ended up just after 11pm in St Stephen's Tavern. However, despite being drunk I could still read the rather cryptic message on the till at the bar. "Day - - - Smile, Sex". I expected the message to scroll along and reveal a more understandable slogan but it didn't, that was it. Parliament has been known for its sexual scandals involving alcohol (click here for reminder) and the realease of Party Animals on BBC 1 isn't going to do much to help Staffers not appear as sex mad drunks. However, with a bar popular with drunk staffers after the bars on the Parliamentary estate have closed encouraging this behavious is just not helpful. However, I am all in favour of smiling, there simply isn't enough of them in the working environment.

Portcullis House on Fire

2007-01-26T11:13:00.000Z

There has just been an evacuation of Portcullis House due to the fire alarm going off. Lord Lucan is thinking of the Staffers standing in the cold whilst sat in his lovely warm office in the main building with a cup of tea. Suckers.

Looking forward to Kerron's inevitable rant on his blog once he has been let back in. Tell me Kerron how cold is it outside?

There May Be Trouble Ahead

2007-01-26T08:31:00.000Z

Lord Lucan has a feeling that Dep. Comm. Yates might be making a "visit" today. Just a feeling but let's watch this space.

Flip A Pound Not A Euro

2007-01-25T16:07:00.000Z

In an interesting* debate on the Union between Scotland and England today Lord Patten gave an insight into management at UKIP. Lord Patten, who has hair that looks like a wig, had given an extremely pompous speech saying how he'd been hob-nobbing at some party to celebrate the 300th anniversary of the Union and how disgraceful it was that Gordon Brown was not there as he was in India dousing the flames caused by Celebrity Big Brother. It was a pretty awful speech and Lord Lucan was falling asleep during it when he moved onto UKIP. I don't know how he moved onto UKIP, I wasn't paying attention. Anyway apparently the two UKIP Peers who are Lord Pearson of Rannoch and Lord Willoughby de Broke (a really UKIP sounding name there) meet about half an hour before the House of Lords sits to decide who will be leader of the UKIP Peers for the day. You can imagine the scene as they flip a coin to decide who gets the prestigeous role - mind you it would have to be a pound and not a euro and then the loser gets the role of deputy leader. Bloody UKIP. While writing this Baroness Fookes has been on her feet and her hair colour matches the colour of the red benches behind her perfectly.

*Please read the use of the word interesting in its loosest term.

Update: Those helpful chaps at Hansard now have the link up (click here)

MRSA Alert In Chamber

2007-01-24T08:51:00.000Z

A debate in the House of Commons yesterday regarding Hospital Acquired Infections probably gave a number of MPs a sleepless night. During the debate Laura Moffatt revealed:

"If I were still in my former profession and took a swab to Members’ noses in the Chamber and other interesting little places, many of us would be found to be carrying Staphylococcus aureus, which can cause harmful infections. That is the reality and the difficulty of the situation that we face."

I should just for the record add that Laura Moffatt's former profession which she refers to is that of a nurse. Anyway, the sleepless night given to MPs was not the idea of Laura Moffatt taking a swab of their nose, although that is a horrendous idea. No, what would give MPs their night of unrest is the idea that many of them would be carrying Staphylococcus aureus. The longed name bacteria is a common form of Staph infection that can cause boils, pimples, abscesses and cellulitis. However what is more alarming is that the SA bit of the hospital infection MRSA stands for Staphylococcus aureus (the MR bit stands for methicillin resistant). This means that there is MRSA in the Chamber, the MPs have got MRSA, we're all going to die. PANIC.

Many thanks by the way to wikipedia for providing me with all the useful on Staphylococcus aureus.

It's Just Sh*te

2007-01-23T08:47:00.000Z

I'm afraid I missed Rachel, Ellee, Caroline, Andy and Kerron with that crazy cat Iain Dale on the entertainment bonanza last night that is 18 Dullty Street, I had some paint to watch dry.

Turner Arrest Could Have Been Worse

2007-01-22T08:35:00.000Z

Over the weekend, I had a hangover. But enough about me much more interesting was Tessa Jowell's comments over the arrest of Ruth Turner. Jowell described herself as being "slightly bewildered" as to why the arrest of Ms. Turner had to happen so early in the morning. Lance Price, former Downing Street wonk, said that the arrest looked "a bit theatrical". I agree for once with Jowell in that I too am slightly bewildered why the arrest was made that early (for the record Ms. Turner was arrested at 6.30 am on Friday morning). What would have been more interesting is if the arrest had been made at social hour during Friday say about 10am or maybe 3pm. The only trouble with this is that Ms. Turner would not have been Chez Turner. Therefore police would have had to make a call to her at work where she was. Imagine the scene as police enter No. 10 and then reappear a few minutes later and escort Ms. Turner into a car. Press and media having a field day. That would have been very theatrical compared to the "bit theatrical" arrest that actually took place. Cabinet members should keep their lips sealed because the next time Yate's boys come knocking they might not be so discreet about it.

Running Back To My Readers

2007-01-19T08:15:00.000Z

It is important to remember that I am still a much wanted criminal. As a result of recent "pressure" by HM Constabulary, I have had to be in hiding for the last few weeks. However, yesterday the heat was turned down as attention turned to a bungalow in Hertfordshire where a great thinker of our nation is under investigation for being a racist. Whilst in hiding I have been unable to blog. I realise the distress that this has caused many readers and for that I apologise. I will make a full return on Monday, until then may I make a quick appeal. The other dayI was moving location and happened to be walking in front of the Houses of Parliament. A jogger ran past me. This jogger was wearing the shortest pair of shorts, where her underwear was visiblyfalling out. She also had an incredible amount of cellulite on her thighs. All in all it was not a pretty sight. Therefore if you are a jogger (in particular a jogger who runs pass me early in the morning) please cover up. Remember you are jogging because you are ugly and are trying to get beautiful. I am naturally very beautiful and don't need to jog. So joggers please don't expose the bare flesh of your ugliness upon the beautiful eyes of beautiful people like myself. Thank you.

Lord Lucan is on The Booze - Again

2006-12-19T16:07:00.000Z

Their Lordships and the MPs are about to all bugger off for their Christmas break until the 8th January. In light of this momentous event Lord Lucan is going to have a large amount to drink. As a result of this he will be taking tomorrow off. I will be back on Thursday with a brief review off the year. Right now, to the bar and mine's a pint.

Cheeky Quotes

2006-12-19T11:45:00.000Z

More from the Cheeky Girls, as Gabriella goes on GMTV to declare her undying love for Lib Dumb MP Lembit Opik denying claims from weathergirl Sian Lloyd that their relationship was a pantomine. Gabriella, is reported on the BBC wesite that their realtionship "was very platonic [sic] at the beginning and we had long chats on the phone." Meanwhile Mama Cheeky Girl has described Lembit as a "little bit shy". Lembit has said of Sian Lloyd "brightest, most-outgoing, hard working and generous people I've had the privilege to know". Other Cheeky Girl, Monica has said that Gabriella has been so lovestruk that she has stopped going to the gym and doing her household chores and was "dreaming with eyes wide open". Frankly, I find it amazing that the Cheeky Girls do household chores! With all these batty quotes and the whole Weathergirl, Cheeky Girl, Lib Dumb MP love triangle, it just makes you wonder. Sometime truth is stranger than fiction.

Karaoke...The Photos

2006-12-18T16:27:00.000Z

As promised, here are a selection of the photos from Thursday night (certain bloggers identities have been protected)...

First up here is Gutbuster doing his Elvis thing...

Doesn't the next reveller look like Paul Burrell?...
Put your hand in the air if you are Barry Beef...
It's the lovely DJ from the night, Michelle...
It's that Burrell bloke again...
He may have turned up late but Recess Monkey looks like a happy chappie...

There is an MP in the next photo, can you spot him?...
Put your hands in the air, put your hands up in the air...
The obligatory luvvy-duvvy photo...
Finally, can anyone guess who these very drunken eyes belong to...

Lembit is the Cheeky Boy

2006-12-18T11:53:00.000Z

"Liberal Dumbocrat MP has left his long term girlfriend and weathergirl Sian Lloyd and is now dating a transvestite" a sleepy Lord Lucan woke up to this news on Sunday morning. No surprise there being I Lib Dumb, I think. Imagine my surprise then that it wasn't transvestite but transylvanian and that it was a cheeky girl. One thought that April Fools Day had come early and that this was a wind up. Turns out it wasn't a wind up but is serious, expect next time the anagram gets up in the chamber either shouts about "hot fronts" or just shouts of "touch my bum". However, the best bit of this all is a quote from the cheeky girls mother, "She is a normal girl he is a normal boy". Apart from this being a whopping lie, the simarlity to a cheeky girl 'lyric' (if you can call them that) is uncanny. Cheeky Girl Lyric: "We are the cheeky girls you are a cheeky boy", Mama Cheeky Girl Quote: "She is a normal girl he is a normal boy". Makes me laugh anyway.

Cheeky Girls (L)

Cheeky Boy (R)

That Memo - Not No 10

2006-12-18T11:07:00.000Z

The memo which was leaked over the weekend which was splashed over the front page of the Mail on Sunday is clearly not a memo from 10 Downing Street. The memo which describes the government as a "shambles" and adds "It is not just Labour internal conflicts but a lack of grip and competence on key issues. Iraq is a potent and raw issue, so is the NHS, immigration and crime. We have lost control of the big issues and are not delivering". This is clearly not coming out of number 10 and before it sounds like I have become one of the great unwashed lefties, I will give my reasons. The reason it does not come from number 10...It's the truth and we all know that the Prime Ministers office is incapable of doing that.

My Head Hurts

2006-12-15T10:50:00.000Z

Feeling delicate today, very delicate after staggering into bed at about 1 in the morning (I actually have no idea when it was but an educated guess puts it at 1). Lord Lucan arrived, already quite tipsy, at the S&S at 6.30 and with what seemed like the rest of the Parliamentary Estate, enjoyed karaoke night. The bar was packed and a good time seemed to be had by all. Photos will be sorted over the weekend and published hopefully on Monday. The great fight of Gutbuster V. Recess Monkey was a win to Gutbuster on the grounds that Monkey Boy turned up far too late to get his song in. He will claim he did a duet but that doesn't count. After all that excitment, an extremely drunk, Lord Lucan wobbles out of the S&S and onto a bus to meet arty friends at a Kennington Hotspot followed by passing out at about 1. Up a seven for what I thought was a 9am Christmas Party but in fact was an 8.30 which I felt surpringly not too terrible for. Now, naked, tired and emotional I'm going to pretend to do some work before going to bed. Bon Nuit.

Update: Clearly struggling as it has taken 5 attempts to get a bit of paper into the bin which is 6 inches away.

Nearly Forgot

2006-12-14T16:22:00.000Z

Having said that I won't post for the rest of the day. I almost forgot to say something, and have only remembered, despite already being a bit drunk which was:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS WADDLE

No More Posts Today

2006-12-14T08:56:00.000Z

Lord Lucan is on a heavy drinking day today going to a number of Christmas parties and will not be posting for the rest of the day. He doubts tomorrow is going to be to productive either as he expects to be feeling unwell and has a party at 9am that day. Oh well, the busy life of being a Peer. Might end up doing a Bishop of Southwark tonight.

The Big Fight

2006-12-14T08:52:00.000Z

V

Sports and Social Karaoke tonight at 7.30. Recess Monkey V Gutbuster. It's going to be messy. Other star acts from blog land will be a source formerly close to the PM and Pookie as well as yours truly. You know it's the place to be.

Bloody 18 Dullty Street

2006-12-13T09:03:00.000Z

I know I've gone on about this before but I'm sorry I'm getting really cheesed off about 18 Dullty Street. Messrs Cross and Burgin have recently been getting far too overexcited about appearing on what one of them call "The famous Doughty sofa". Famous, it's about as famous and prestigious as the fart I did while trying to get to sleep on Monday night. Secondly, the feature that has become of these people is the name dropping. This is an unsightly habit at the best of times but when the names being dropped are such small fry it is awful. I mean I'm sure Stephen Tall, Barckely Sumner, Tim Montgomerie, Donal Blaney and the one they call Zoe are very nice people but they are hardly people at the centre of the news agenda. Thirdly, is a piece on Iain Dale's, head henchman at Dullty Street, blog about someone being stopped by police filming for Dullty Street (link here). Which Mr. Dale describes as "deeply concerning". Sorry Iain but there are rules about filming which we all have to follow from the BBC to the tourist with a camcorder. It might have passed you by but there is a terrorist threat going on and your man clearly looked dodgy with his papers on the Met, filming in Westminster etc.. Also the little bugger lied as well saying that he was filming for his own personal video at home. I understand the shame in admitting you do stuff for Dullty Street but you shouldn't lie, being a politician you know that.

I would be very interested to know the viewing figures for Dullty Street because I feel that once these are out in the open then people might just realise that this is a very small thing and that actually most people turn on the TV when they get home not Dullty Street and that people get their "politics fix" from the wide range of terrestial TV shows that are on offer. Right, rant over.

Tasteless Joke of the Week

2006-12-13T08:42:00.000Z

This arrived via text to Lord Lucan late last night.....

"Anyone up for rugby this weekend? I hear Ipswich are desperately short on hookers!"

Boom boom! I'm now going to rot in hell for publishing that.

Spellar Not In Deputy Leader Bid

2006-12-11T12:05:00.000Z

John Spellar, ex-minister and man of beard and glasses has suggested that the post of Labour Deputy leader should be scraped. Interestingly his reasons are not like most peoples ie the current incumbent doesn't seem to do a huge amount. Instead the man gives his reasons as being for financial purposes. He estimates that to run a deputy leadership election it would cost £2m to Labour and £1.5m to the unions. Clearly the Labour Party are really struggling financially with the paying off of loans and their £23m debt, or maybe they just realise that the post is redundant even connecting to the grassroots is pointless as it currently seems that the grassroots say one thing then the executive do the opposite.

Get Well Andrew

2006-12-11T11:59:00.000Z

Lord Lucan would like to wish Isle of Wight MP Andrew Turner a full and speedy recovery after suffering a stroke on Friday. Andrew who is known to read this blog from time to time is a lovely bloke and sadly is currently in hospital recovering. Lord Lucan sends his best wishes to him and his family.

EDM Watch

2006-12-08T09:22:00.000Z

Just browsing through the Early Day Motion (EDM) list I have found a short and simple and rather to the point EDM. Primarily sponsored by Gordon Prentice and with 9 other signatures EDM 381(click here for link) is titled Deputy Prime Minister and is an absolute gem. The EDM in question says "That this House believe that the post of Deputy Prime Minister serves no useful purpose and should be abolished forthwith". No word of a lie there but here is my problem with EDMs they cost money to produce and have no actual worth benefits apart from possibly 15 minutes publicity if it is on a really big issue. What Gordon Prentice is hoping to achieve with his EDM is a mystery, people know John Prescott's job has critisisms on how tenable it is and this EDM will achieve nothing along with all the rest of the EDMs. Therefore I would like an honourable member to table this EDM titled Early Day Motions, saying "That this House believe that Early Day Motions serve no useful purpose and should be abolished forthwith".

Date For Your Diary

2006-12-07T16:30:00.000Z

Whilst on the subject of the Sports and Social Club just a reminder that next Thursday (14 December) is Sports and Social Karaoke night. Lord Lucan will be singing a number and has been told that Gutbuster will be in attendance with his Elvis impersonating voice. So if you do work in parliament come on down and have a great evening. The evening kicks of from 7.30 so get practising.

Tis The Season To Do Things You Would Never Do Anyother Time of the Year

2006-12-07T16:12:00.000Z

Lord Lucan is on an attempt to try and loose a bit of weight before he puts it all back on over Christmas. As a result of this he has cut down big time on the booze and has made very infrequent visits to the S&S. However, news reaches him that in the season of much boozing and no judgment two patrons of the club fell victim of this. Apparently, alledgedly (and all other words to stress that I have no proof of this) two drunken people got to know each other very well on Monday night. Furthermore they got very close together just in the corridor outside the club and police were asked to "attend the scene" of this passion. Lord Lucan would be grateful if any spies were about on Monday and good feed him in on the truth or details of this story either in the comments or via email to thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk.

Blown Away By BBC Weather

2006-12-07T15:48:00.000Z

Lord Lucan is a fan of the BBC programmes such as Strictly Come Dancing, Robin Hood, Catherine Tate make me feel the licence fee that his landlady pays is worth it (provided they don't put it up or the landlady make him pay it). However, their website which is 99% of the time a great source of information occasionally drops a clanger. For example her is the weather for today...If you click and enlarge you will see that the weather is light cloud, maximum temperature of 11 and with a little bit blowy 16mph wind. This was lifted off their site at 3.45pm a good four hours after their light cloud, max temp 11, 16mph wind had done this...
Lord Lucan is always a bit untrusting of North London, he now feels justified.

In Your Face Equifax

2006-12-06T17:06:00.000Z

Remember, how I said I was having a consumer battle with a company called Equifax (click here if you don't). Well I'm delighted to report that I have won and am now the proud owner of a brand new, swish and swanky mobile phone. Just a shame I haven't a scooby-doo of a clue how to use it.

Moo, Poo and Drew

2006-12-06T16:54:00.000Z

I am very grateful to a source formerly close to the PM for drawing my attention to one of the most stupid PQs, asked by Stroud (wherever that may be) MP David Drew...

Bovine Emissions

Mr. Drew: To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs what percentage of greenhouse gas emissions came from cows in the last period for which figures are available; and what plans he has to reduce such emissions.

Lord Lucan wonders whether more hot air comes out of a cows arse or out of David Drew's office. If you are interested in the answer, the poor minister of state at DEFRA, Ian Pearson who under his job is in charge of the farting cows department says:

Ian Pearson: Agriculture as a whole contributes 7 per cent. of all UK greenhouse gas emissions and 14 per cent. globally. The sector accounts for 36 per cent. of methane and 67 per cent. of nitrous oxide emissions in the UK, but only 1 per cent. of carbon dioxide. About 80 per cent. of this methane comes from enteric fermentation in the digestive system of animals (sheep, pigs and bovines), and 20 per cent. from animal waste. Methane emissions from agriculture have declined by 12 per cent. since 1990.

Recent research suggests that substantial methane reductions could be achieved by changes to feed regimes. Improving the longevity of dairy cows will also result in decreased methane production as a result of a reduction in the total number of animals needed to produce the same quantity of milk.

Defra is exploring the role of anaerobic digestion in reducing methane emissions in agriculture, both domestically and internationally. For example, we are taking a leading role in the Methane to Markets Partnership; an international initiative that advances cost-effective, near-term methane recovery and its use as a clean energy source.

So there you have it cows (and sheeps and pigs) are leaving a massive carbon footprint by their farting. David Drew, meanwhile, is just an idiot.

One more thing, just went to look for suitable picture for story. Went onto google and did an image search for "cow's arse". The first image which appears is a picture of Chris Huhne. Don't believe me? Try it (make sure you put the apostrophe in).

Britain to Stay Nuclear

2006-12-05T11:49:00.000Z

Time for another crappy image...

£100k? You Are Taking The P*ss!

2006-12-04T13:14:00.000Z

Firstly, apologies for noting blogging for ages. One is snowed under with things at the moment and just hasn't had the time. One is also having a major consumer battle with a company called Equifax (named and shamed) who are being complete nightmares but am slowly winning. However, over the weekend we hear that MPs want to give them a whopping pay rise bringing their income to £100K. As if over £60K and a generous expenses package isn't enough. How about the MPs staff some of whom don't even get paid (yes, we're looking at you there Sarah Teather) or the staff who work in the Palace with their notoriously crap wages. If the money is there for the MPs which I estimate will cost £26m per annum couldn't it go elsewhere like these worthy people who will spend it far better.

Put-in Hot Water

2006-11-21T08:53:00.000Z

So the Kremlin has announced that any suggestion that it may have been involved in the poisoning of former KGB man Alexander Litvinenko as "sheer nonsense". I'm not saying too much about this. However, I hear in other news that the Pope has become a Muslim and a bear was seen in B&Q recently buying a lavatory.

PICT Logic

2006-11-20T15:27:00.000Z

If there is one organisation in Parliament that will cause every single person stress it has to be our friends in the Parliamentary Information and Communications Technology Department (commonly known as PICT). Their inablility to solve the most basic computer problem defies belief, however, they have surpassed themselves just now. Lord Lucan's parliamentary outlook programme (the one that sends emails) went down just as he was to send an urgent email. As you do you ring the PICT helpdesk and after ten minutes of listening to Handel I finally got through to the engineer who informed me that this is affecting a number of people throughout the Palace but not to worry as they are about to send an email out informing people of this. Er...so you are going to send an email telling people their email isn't working. How are they going to read it? Oh, that's a point the chap at the other end of the phone tells me. PICT, bringing IT into the 16th century.

Barking MP's Iraq Comments

2006-11-17T15:15:00.000Z

Margaret Hodge is alleged to have called the Iraq War Tony Blair's "big mistake in foreign affairs". The Barking MP (as in her constituency and not necessarily her state of mind) has denied making the comments but we only have to look back to the local elections in May to remind ourselves that she has a track record for foot in mouth comments. Remember, her endorsement of the BNP (if not click here). Looks like she may well be on the way out sooner rather than later. The government can't keep her in and while I imagine that there a number of other cabinet members with concerns over Iraq to say them outside of Cabinet Meetings under Chatham House rules is just plain stupid. Blair meanwhile is stuggling to find his own position untenable due to Iraq, the fact he took this country to war on a lie should have meant that he was shown the door ages ago.

Taylor Wages Web War

2006-11-17T14:29:00.000Z

Matthew Taylor, Blair's outgoing policy chief, has express his concerns (as a citizen not a government spokesman) that the internet is fuelling a crisis in politics. He would like to see the web "solve problems" rather than just abuse politicians. In particular his rant was aimed at poor old bloggers like yours truly saying "It's basically blogs which are, generally speaking, hostile and, generally speaking, basically see their job as every day exposing how venal, stupid, mendacious politicians are. " Well in an act of the highest maturity Lord Lucan has a message for him. Matthew Taylor you are an idiot and as useful as Liberal Democrat in Parliament, now bugger off the hole from which you came you retromingent donkey.

Blogger Problems

2006-11-16T12:31:00.000Z

I have noticed that sometimes when you load up this page that it doesn't show the most recent article. However, if you click refresh it will load it up. So, dear readers, that is the solution to your problems (all your problems). Also by loading the page twice you make this blog look hugely popular and boosts my ego.

What I Remember About Yesterday

2006-11-16T11:53:00.000Z

"You were SMASHED last night ... I have never seen you so drunk (and clearly - I have seen you f*cked before). Hysterical". This little email arrived on my inbox this morning and is a pretty accurate description of my state last night. Despite a warning from family Lord Lucan proceeded to get hammered and isn't feel as bright eyed and bushy tailed as normal. The reason for such celebration, The State Opening of Parliament. Lord Lucan had a marvellous morning and managed to get a balcony view of proceedings, watching the arrivals of the carriages and the band playing. The band were excellent this year and had learnt a few new tunes which were very jazzy. The speech itself was short (normally it lasts for one pint this year I still had half left) but packed full of bills and not too much New-Labourisms (although we did have a better framework and customer advocacy snuck in there as well). Whether the government can deliver remains to be seen. The Queen is rumoured to have said that yesterday's proceedings were the best in 10 years. Hmm, that would have been Major's last State Opening as Prime Minister and this was Blair's last as PM, I wonder whether there is a connection there?

Drinking Update

2006-11-15T15:29:00.000Z

Lord Lucan has now polished off three glasses of champagne, two red wines and his now on his second pint. Don't expect anything else from this blog till tomorrow. This has taken five minutes to write, I'm clearly struggling. Right, where's my beer?

Lord Lucan Is On The Booze

2006-11-14T15:16:00.000Z

No more postings today as I'm a very busy man. By the time I get round to blogging tomorrow I hope to be so drunk that I can't type so don't expect anything tomorrow and if anything does appear don't expect it to make sense. A run down of tomorrows State Opening and Pomp and Circumstance will be written up on Thursday (provided the hangover isn't too bad).

Number 1 - Grease

2006-11-14T15:02:00.000Z

Firstly, apologies to Pookie, who pleaded that this not be number 1 but I'd decided what was going to get the top spot before you begged and Grease got it and no amount of groveling was going to change that. So, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John hit the top of the chart with what is an amazing musical. The transportation back to the 1950s American High School makes me always want to be a pupil of Rydell High everytime I watch this. I sing along to the songs and have been known to do the odd Grease number at a karaoke. Intrestingly, this film was produced by Robert Stigwood who also made the BeeGees the band they are and now lives on the Isle of Wight. Great songs included in this musical are Summer Nights, Grease Lightning, You're The One That I want, Look at Me I'm Sandra Dee. All great fun. Franki Valli (he of Four Seasons fame) sang the theme. Oh, I could go on about this musical but its legacy and huge love (except for Pookie) clearly makes this number 1 by a mile. Channel 4's Top 100 musicals also rated it number 1, so I'm just giving that poll the seal of approval. Grease truly is the word.

Number 2 - Blues Brothers

2006-11-14T09:02:00.000Z

The Blues Brothers were a band originally doing sketches on Saturday Night Live. Howver, this was tranformed into a full length movie in 1980 which was brilliant. John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd were the Jake and Elwood Blues, two men who with their band, are on a mission from God. They are to save the orphange where they grew up. However, nothing is straight forward with these two as they make enemies of the American Nazi Party and a Country and Western band called The Good Old Boys. However, their greatest foe is the Illonis State Police and the Chicago City Police. This results in some amazing car chases and held the record for the most cars wrecked in a film (beaten by its own sequel). Cameo roles were from James Brown, Aretha Fanklin, John Lee Hooker, Cab Calloway, Ray Charles and Twiggy. There are genuinely funny moments which despite having watched this film countless times I will still laugh out loud. Then there is the music which is just toe tappingly brilliant. Put simply a fantastic musical.

Number 3 - Mary Poppins

2006-11-13T16:51:00.000Z

Step forward Dick Van Dyke with your shockingly awful Cockney accent. Yes, number 3 is Mary Poppins. Based on the book this 1964 Disney film starred Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins and more memorably Dick Van Dyke as Bert the cockney jack of all trades with that voice. Mrs Banks with her suffergette campaigning, Mr Banks with his foul moods (until of course he comes across Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious). A charming musical, much like Oliver! but slightly better and the use of animation on top of real cinema is quite genius for a film of its time. Loving this film.

Back to Westminster - A PC Serjeant

2006-11-13T09:48:00.000Z

A quick break from all the song and dance of musicals as somebody has sent me a couple of wonderful photos. As everyone has buggered off the Serjeant at Arms has managed to check that his annunciator service works properly and on Friday afternoon ran a few tests. In order to do this he made up a name, with the SAA department as imaginative as ever they gave their fantasy MP the name of Mr. Test, here's the piccy:
This would be all well and good had it not been for a bit of PC (Political Correctness in this case rather than Police Constable or Personal Computer) madness. The Serjeant then paniced that would be seen as sexist. He knew it would be wrong to assume that a fantasy MP was a man, that it would be right to promote more women in Parliament. So just to even the balance just after Mr. Test there was a second fantasy MP, yes it was Miss. Test:
That Serjeant at Arms, he's just a crazy kid.

Number 4 -Oliver!

2006-11-13T09:17:00.000Z

I must say once I had finished compiling my list of top 10 musicals it took me rather by surprise that Oliver! only came in at number 4. Many a drunken night has been spent by me singing Oom-Pah-Pah and I'd do anything. Here is a lovely musical though with good funtime songs and great sets. Mark Lester played the part of Oliver and never really did much after that and Jack Wyld got the part of the Artful Dodger but he then went on to drink excessively and sadly died earlier this year. This musical does bring back old memories, like Bugsy Malone, of family Christmases but this has toe tapping melodies that one can hum all day. It also won 6 Academy Awards.

Number 5 - Guys and Dolls

2006-11-10T15:49:00.000Z

When you have Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra in your film, you know that it is destined to be a hit and indeed this is a great film. Made in 1955 this is definitely a golden oldie. Sky Masterson (Brando) is an illegal gambler who falls for the lovely Salvation Army worker Sarah Brown (Jean Simmons), with the two being complete opposites this is a funtime story. You also get hit song after hit song such as A bushel and a peck, Luck be a lady tonight and Sit down you're rocking the boat. I simply adore this film and it brings back fond memories when I was in a stage version of this musical, no starring role for me, just a member of the chorus. but it was great.

Number 6 - West Side Story

2006-11-10T12:05:00.000Z

This is a truly revolutionary musical. Based on the book by Arthur Laurents, Leonard Bernsiten worte the music for this original stage musical which was made into a film in 1961 starring Natalie Wood. However, this film did to musicals what Shakespeare did to English literature. It reset the mould. Previously musicals had all been rather limp wristed affairs with standard tunes such as Oklahoma! and Showboat. Bernstien set the musical in the tough streets of the city rather than the rolling fields of rural USA. The dark side of the story was a lot darker than it had been before. Then there was the music. As I had said the music was all rather happy and standard rhythms previously. Bernstien changed this. Songs such as the Tonight Ensemble were rough and tough. America sung by the girls made great use of triplets in the score that hadn't been done before. There were a few traditional songs such as I Feel Pretty. However, the frequent use of the minor key in the musical just turned the musical on its head. It should never be underestimated how much this musical did for many of the musicals in the future and therefore has to be a top ten. Oh and it won 11 Oscars, so it can't be bad.

Number 7 - Cabaret

2006-11-10T08:24:00.000Z

For those of you confused as to what is going on as Parliament is not sitting I have decided to do something alternative being my Top 10 Musicals. Why? Because I want to. Anyway, number 7, come join the Cabaret! This had to go in the top ten with great show tunes and Liza Minelli. It also has a historic backdrop with the rise of the Nazis. Again good tunes and brilliant costumes.

Number 8 - The Rocky Horror Picture Show

2006-11-09T14:55:00.000Z

Four reasons for this 1975 film being in the top ten:

1. Susan Sarandon
2. The wierd and wonderful costumes
3. Richard O'Brien (he of Crystal Maze fame)
4. The Time Warp

and you get Meatloaf as well.

Number 9 - Bugsy Malone

2006-11-09T11:39:00.000Z

An old gangster musical with a twist, instead of actors you get kids. Instead of guns, bullets and death you get cake. This 1976 movie also has a very young Jodie Foster as Tallulah. A fantastic list of characters including Fat Sam, Dandy Dan, Cagey Joe and Sanke Eyes. Catchy tunes as well including "Fat Sam's Grand Slam", "My name is Tallulah" and "So You Want to be a Boxer". There is great humour in it and I love that the bakery which supplied the cakes gets a special thank you in the credits. This makes the top 10 as it brings back memories of numerous Christmases watching the the family. Peachy.

Number 10 - Blues Brothers 2000

2006-11-09T09:37:00.000Z

Nowhere near as good as the original but makes up in good links to the original Blues Brothers ("They broke my watch") and by a sensational list of cameo roles (incl. Aretha Franklin and James Brown). Of course there is the music, great blues music frequently through the film as well as a bit of gospel and bluegrass. The absense of John Belushi is notable and John Goodman does a fair effort but his character of Mighty Mack McTeer will never come close to Jake Blues. Dan Ackroyd is good and it is great to the full Blues Brothers Band back (Alan "Mr Fabulous" Rubin, Steve "The Colonel" Cropper, Donald "Duck" Dunn, Willy "Too Big" Hall, Tom "Bones" Malone, "Blue" Lou Marini, Matt "Guitar" Murphy and Murphy Dunne). However, what makes this film into the top 10 is the Louisina Gator Boys. The line up of this band at the end is incredible and shows the influence that the first film had. Stars include Issac Hayes, Dr. John, B.B. King and Eric Clapton. This is a film that has made the top 10 through legacy rather than as a film of its own merit, having said that it is enjoyable. The notable star of the show is J. Evan Bonifant who aged 13 plays a fantastic Buster Blues.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2006-11-09T08:41:00.000Z

With everyone buggered off from Westminster Lord Lucan maybe struggling for news. Therefore I am going to do something completely different. However, should news come up of an event at Westminster Lord Lucan will be reporting it. In the the meantime keep watching for.....Lord Lucan's Top 10 Cinematic Musicals. Between now and Tuesday evening (excluding the weekend as I have better things to do) I will at random times be posting one of my top 10 musicals. So watch this space. However, first an apology to Monty Python on two counts. One, apologies for stealing one of their catchphrases for the headline to this article. Two, for them not being in the top 10. I couldn't quite class any of their films as musicals there just aren't enough songs. However, the songs they did do were brilliant. A personal favourite being "Every Sperm is Sacred" from The Meaning of Life and every whistler's pick "Always look on the bright side of life" from The Life of Brian. There was also "Camelot" from The Quest for the Holy Grail which in the DVD special features has a version done in lego. Genius. A still of which is shown below...

Silly Names and French

2006-11-08T12:34:00.000Z

Lord Lucan has just returned from his seat in the House of Lords Chamber watching the bizzare events of Prorogation. Hat doffing at scrums for seats gallore. The galleries were packed as well. Tony Blair showed scant regard for constitutional matters by not attending, as did David "Dave" Cameron (Prorogation is arguably the oldest ceremony held in Parliament). Black Rod went to collect the Commons where I hear upon knocking on the door one MP (prime suspect being a Mr. D. Skinner) shouted "it's the Jehova Witnesses". Before trooping back with the Speaker and Peter Grant-Peterkin and a tow of MPs. Then the commissioners' names were announced and much mirth when "Sir Thomas Galbraith Lord Strathclyde" was called. So with him and the Serjeant at Arms there was a feast of silly names followed by a bit of French when after each bill the clerk called out "La reine le veut" (The Queen wishes it). Then a speech from the Queen which had an astonishing likeness to New Labour speak. In summary a strange but rather amusing and historic event. Also wasn't it odd that the Houses prorogued just before PMQs?

Date For Your Diary

2006-11-08T10:16:00.000Z

EXCLUSIVE

SPORTS AND SOCIAL KARAOKE

THURSDAY 14th DECEMBER

7.30

Better Today

2006-11-08T08:37:00.000Z

Still not quite right but a huge improvement on yesterday. Furthermore, Lord Lucan has a MASSIVE exclusive (so massive that "massive" has to be written in capital letters) which I will let you all in on at about 10.00am today.

Incidently, may I thank all those who commented on the post reporting that I was ill, none of whom said "Get Well Soon". Bastards.